Too right you should be frustrated...

So, there I was tonight sitting in a relatively major traffic jam, listening to the Olympics and relaxing. I had nowhere to be so the easiest thing to do is just to chill out, isn't it? I have 20 minutes where I can be and will be nowhere else, so why stress?

That got me thinking.

I was watching the cars that seem to be really, really eager to get nowhere; pushing up behind the car in front. Filling gaps of a few metres with misplaced haste as if them filling the gap makes the queue move quicker. And I asked myself the question "why is it people get so frustrated when they have a perfect chance to do nothing yet do nothing when they have every chance to do something?".  It sounds complex but I don't think it is. I think it's really simple.

Pictures. It's all a matter of pictures.

When people sit in traffic jams, they have a clear picture of where they want to be playing inside their heads. The gap between sitting in the jam and that picture of where they should/want to be causes the frustration. Take the phrase 'I've got better places to be than sitting in this bloody traffic' as an example.

So why don't we do that in our lives? Why don't you try running a picture of a fitter, healthier, happier you inside your head and run it sooooo vividly that the fact you aren't there already causes you so much frustration you would do anything to be there now? Why is it that we use all our mind's incredible resources on traffic jams and so little on making ourselves who we want to be?

Run the picture now. Be frustrated at the fact you aren't there already. Promise yourself that yo are going to use that frustration as fuel to close the gap, to drive up the arse of the things you don't want until they get out of your bloody way and you can get to where you want to be instead.
Vroom, vroom, people! You've got better places to be than where you are :)

You have breached life's Terms and Conditions...sorry, no refunds.

Do you try and work out your personal challenges and problems? No, I mean, do you try and literally 'work' out your personal challenges and problems?

For the most part our personal stuff is emotionally based (we could argue it all is but that's for another post, for just now let's content ourselves with 'most').  Yet, our default, and very western, approach is to try and fix it. To logic it out; 'this thing is broken and I will fix it' even when this 'thing' is our relationship, our moods or our emotional well being.  

This is what I mean by 'work' it out. We approach our problems and challenges like they are a malfunctioning computer system, a failure to meet your target or a breach of terms and conditions. We look to project manage our way out of them, quoting logical reasons why it shouldn't be like this 'sorry [insert name of partner here], due to your failure to meet my standards of care you have been given a C grade and the following requirements must be met within the next appraisal period or, with regret, you are dumped, pal'. 

Our problems and challenges can't be logic-ed (new word, my blog!) out, they need to be felt, acknowledged and addressed as emotional beings. Not as  project managers!
You can't change your life with a bullet pointed list. 

You change your life by taking action to change the things you aren't happy with and by accepting that life will, undoubtedly, deliver you both ups and downs and that fighting these or thinking you can control them will only lead you to a world of hurt.

You are an emotion machine. You have been made this way. There are no terms and conditions, there is just life. Start living it that way it was designed to be lived. 

Let loose, smile, cry, laugh, blush. The world becomes more fun when you do...

The magic fairies are coming...

It's easy to become fixated on our problems being external to us.  You know, we blame the food, the drink, the fags, the drugs and call them 'the problem'. 

Stop kidding yourself on! The 'thing' isn't the problem, you are!

See the only reason you eat the food, smoke the fag etc. is because your mind has decided that it is the quickest way it has got of meeting a key, unconscious need.  The question is which one.  Here's a very basic model that you can use to diagnose which need your 'thing' meets - 

Stability - the need to have peace, quiet and to stop the noise, stop the stress

Variety - the need to get the buzz, to alleviate the boredom

Connection - the need to not feel alone, to be part of something

Or finally,

Status - the need to feel special/cool/different, like you are an individual who makes their own choices

It doesn't matter how 'sorted' you think your life is, you even do the good stuff like exercise, ambition and creativity to get these needs met.

So ask yourself, which are you?

Once you know which fits you.., stop bloody blaming the 'thing'. The cake doesn't eat itself! The hangover isn't delivered by magic fairies during the night! The dodgy pill didn't just soak through your skin. It was you that did it, you chose it. 

However, the realisation that it's not about the food, drink, drugs or whatever and that it's actually about your unconscious needs gives you the freedom to make one more choice.

What would be a better thing to do instead?

Anyway, for many of you the magic hangover fairies are probably due in a few hours so think about this once you've promised yourself you'll never do it again!!