Who the hell are you?

What's your first answer to this question; Who are you?

This used to be the very first question of the BreakThrough Weekend and got some curious answers. I was out today doing a talk to some very lovely people and, as I came home, it popped into my head again. Who are you?

There are some typical answers to this question. Many people will answer with their job eg 'I'm a plumber' or whatever you do. But that's not who you are though, is it? That's what you do.

Some people will even answer with where they come from. But, again, that's not who you are. That's just where you come from.

Some people will tell you their ailments and illnesses eg 'I'm a sufferer'. But again that's not who you are. That's something you are feeling.

There are many other answers (I used to be able to pick out the people that had done personal development courses before because they would tell me they are 'the light of the universe' or 'a force of goodness and peace'!) but the interesting thing is what it does for us behaviourally.

People with similar identities tend to congregate. Football fans find each other don't they? People with similar music taste go to the same clubs, business people gather at networking events, people who believe they are overweight go to slimming clubs, the list goes on. It sounds like an 'of course they do Brian, where else would they go'. Well, loads of places! But they don't. There is a comfort in being with people who share your ideals, beliefs and ultimately identity. Yet the question is whether or not the identity you gain through the things you do is Positive or not? I'll leave that to you.

All I'll say is that your job, your football team, your music, your place of birth, your house or even your current illness do not define who you are. Whatever your answer to that question is, I promise you, you are much, much more than that. And when you look inside and think about it, you'll realise just how much more you are :)

Sweet dreams

7 Rules of Life - 5. To Love is to be happy with

7 Rules of Life - 5. To Love is to be happy with


Let's boil life down to it's most simple form.  Everything you do and everything you don't do is governed by 2 simple forces, Pleasure and Pain.  It is as simple as that.

These two forces guide our lives every day pushing us away from the painful and, technically speaking, towards the pleasurable.  But that's not really how it happens is it?

For many of us what happens is we are pushed away from the really painful towards the slightly less painful.  The pleasure aspect never really comes into it.  Our lives become a dizzying cycle of running away hoping that some day our white knight on his majestic steed will ride in and save the day (or, for the blokes, we'll just find the answer and be able to fix it and everything will seem ok again!).

The thing is this whole cycle has a simple solution.  And it starts with you.  Are you ready?  Really ready?

To find true happiness you must begin with yourself.  The endless search for the solution or the white knight is a signal to your own heart that you don't actually believe enough in yourself to pick yourself up and fight for your own life.  You can't even love yourself, how can you expect anyone else to?

Love is the root of all happiness.  When you can truly look yourself in the mirror and respect and love yourself you have the key to happiness.  It doesn't need any magic book, any learned guru, any life changing course...it just needs you to look in the mirror, accept yourself totally for who you are, where you are and what you are doing and think, to yourself, those 3 words...I LOVE YOU.

The moment you say that, and really, really mean it, you have found happiness my friend.  Go practise.  If you leak from your eyes the first couple of times that's ok!!  You'll get used to it by Thursday :)

Who shut the gate?

When my wee (totally adorable) cocker spaniel Benji was a tiny puppy we used to let him out in the garden and put plant pots in front of the gate so he wouldn't escape. The gate doesn't lock properly (in fact, at all!) so a slight push and it would open. We were always worried he might work that out since he is also a clever dog when he wants to be. It was highly effective and never once did he get out.

He's not so tiny anymore and, as the summer comes in, we can now let him back out into the garden on an almost full time basis again. But here's the interesting thing, the plant pots aren't there anymore yet he still stops where they were, never tries to get out and accepts that he is contained by the gate. If he just gave that gate a small nudge, he'd have freedom. Yet he never does. 

It's easy to learn patterns that keep us trapped isn't it? But surely we're more intelligent than the dog, aren't we? We'd never just simply accept an easily surmountable limitation on our freedom and ability to go where we want to go and do what we want do and not at least try to ‘push the gate’ and see if it would open. Would we?

Makes you think…

Go nudge the gate. You never know it might be open and, if it is, amazing things could happen.

Be amazing

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No Doubts...

Late Night Musing: what does it mean to believe in yourself? I mean, we say the phrase like we know what it means yet, for most of us, we don't. We know how it feels (or doesn't) but we never think about what we actually do to get that feeling.

Here's my thoughts, for what they are worth. Self belief, like many things, is a process. A doing thing that you are actively involved in. It's again, like confidence, not a commodity. I can't buy it, I do it. I can't trade it, I feel it.

But how? Well, it's simple. When you approach a task or context with a picture running in your head that tells you that, without doubt, you are going to do the thing you want to do then you get the feeling of self belief.

However, what many of us do is we run pictures of doing well with an internal commentary that tells us that there is no way this is going to happen and we are actually rubbish. There's a flaw in that strategy!

Your thoughts and self talk are under your control. No-one expects you to be perfect all the time. Always do your best, no-one can ever ask anything more. It's easy to believe in yourself when your expectation is to only ever do the best you possibly can. You can't do anything more or less, can you?

I believe...

Going Loopy

I talk frequently to people about what I have decided today I like to call perpetual loops. These are loops of behaviour that feed themselves which means they can appear, to the person doing them at least, as if they are uncontrollable or without reason.

Anxiety is a prime example. Someone has a horrible experience where they experience anxiety. The next time they think of doing that time they get anxious about the fact that they might get anxious. This makes them anxious. Woops! Now, they have anxiety, not about the thing they are actually anxious about but about the anxiety that they might get anxiety! This then fires off the perpetual loop; anxious about being anxious which is often mistakenly attributed to some mysterious outside cause.

This is exactly the same as the person who gets angry about being angry, sad about being sad, or feels crap about themselves cause they are overweight so they go and eat cake to make themselves feel better (in turn making them overweight which makes them feel crap which....you get the idea). 

It's a really insidious wee trick of the mind but it is actually fiendishly simple to, at least, begin to control. 

Step 1, rationalise the memory that started the loop. Heres some questions for you to start this - What is it that happened? How did you feel? What is it that you think would happen if this was to happen again? Is that worse or better than what happens now?

Step 2 - realise that this is a perpetual loop. A set of behaviours causing themselves. It is really illogical when you step back and notice it. Many times just the awareness of the loop can make it easy to break. Your reaction is historical, it would be like being scared of falling every time you walked just because you fell when you were a baby. 

Anyway, go spot your loops.  You'll have some, the only question is quite how mental they are!

Fighting, Flighting or Confident...ing?

I was fortunate enough to be back in a high school again today speaking to the new 4th year pupils (14/15yr old) about confidence. I was telling them how I believe that, for many of us, what masquerades as confidence is actually our default fight or flight response when faced by fear. Let me explain; 


Fight - when our 'confidence' level is driven by a fight response to fear we can end up jumpy, fidgety, aggressive, loud and over the top. It can occasionally appear like control but actually people just don't want to argue with you! At its extreme this is bully behaviour.


Flight - When we run from the things that scare us we end up submissive, withdrawn, quiet and find ourselves accepting our fate. It appears like a lack of control, as if the world just happens to us and we can do bugger all to stop it. At its extreme this is shyness and even social anxiety.

But neither of these is actually confidence. They are responses to fear. 


Confidence is a state that comes from having no fear of the thing you are facing at that time. It is still, calm and powerful. You'll know you have it when your head goes quiet and you find yourself in a place of effortless ease. It isn't fidgety, it's deliberate. It dances with fear.


Which do you do? As I said to the kids today, confidence is not a commodity. It's not something you have. It's something you do. Now go do more of it.