Izzy Wizzy lets get busy

There is a concept in psychology called 'secondary gain'. Basically it means that the person is getting some sort of benefit from the problem they are trying to get rid of. It's a big thing in addictions. Think of how many smokers you know that want to give up but keep on smoking, standing outside offices and pubs hating their habit while indulging their habit. Can I add, this is true of all the folk addicted to food and all the other things we enjoy hiding in as well!

It's fascinating to think that the problem you have been trying to get rid of is actually still their because somewhere, deep in your unconscious, the problem is meeting a need. A need you may not even know you need!!

Maybe it makes you feel wanted, or special to be the way you are? Maybe it makes you feel safe or hidden? Maybe it simply makes you feel loved and wanted, one of our most primal needs. (I'm feeling deep tonight, can you tell?

Anyway, there is a couple of simple questions you can ask to have a wee explore of your unconscious and discover your deep needs. Ready to go mind blank for a few seconds? OK, here we go;

'Who are you without your problem?'...

'What is the purpose of your problem?'...(stick with this one past the first answer, which will likely be 'nothing' or 'pain')

The great thing is that, once you find it, it tends to go away and so does your problem. I mean like 'Abracadabra' going away so it's worth exploring.

Anyway, be honest with yourself and enjoy doing mind magic.

Remember...'Abracadabra'

Who shut the gate?

When my wee (totally adorable) cocker spaniel Benji was a tiny puppy we used to let him out in the garden and put plant pots in front of the gate so he wouldn't escape. The gate doesn't lock properly (in fact, at all!) so a slight push and it would open. We were always worried he might work that out since he is also a clever dog when he wants to be. It was highly effective and never once did he get out.

He's not so tiny anymore and, as the summer comes in, we can now let him back out into the garden on an almost full time basis again. But here's the interesting thing, the plant pots aren't there anymore yet he still stops where they were, never tries to get out and accepts that he is contained by the gate. If he just gave that gate a small nudge, he'd have freedom. Yet he never does. 

It's easy to learn patterns that keep us trapped isn't it? But surely we're more intelligent than the dog, aren't we? We'd never just simply accept an easily surmountable limitation on our freedom and ability to go where we want to go and do what we want do and not at least try to ‘push the gate’ and see if it would open. Would we?

Makes you think…

Go nudge the gate. You never know it might be open and, if it is, amazing things could happen.

Be amazing

PS If you enjoy these wee blogs you can also get them (nearly) every day at the HeadStrong NLP Facebook page

Fighting, Flighting or Confident...ing?

I was fortunate enough to be back in a high school again today speaking to the new 4th year pupils (14/15yr old) about confidence. I was telling them how I believe that, for many of us, what masquerades as confidence is actually our default fight or flight response when faced by fear. Let me explain; 


Fight - when our 'confidence' level is driven by a fight response to fear we can end up jumpy, fidgety, aggressive, loud and over the top. It can occasionally appear like control but actually people just don't want to argue with you! At its extreme this is bully behaviour.


Flight - When we run from the things that scare us we end up submissive, withdrawn, quiet and find ourselves accepting our fate. It appears like a lack of control, as if the world just happens to us and we can do bugger all to stop it. At its extreme this is shyness and even social anxiety.

But neither of these is actually confidence. They are responses to fear. 


Confidence is a state that comes from having no fear of the thing you are facing at that time. It is still, calm and powerful. You'll know you have it when your head goes quiet and you find yourself in a place of effortless ease. It isn't fidgety, it's deliberate. It dances with fear.


Which do you do? As I said to the kids today, confidence is not a commodity. It's not something you have. It's something you do. Now go do more of it.