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Brian

Pursuing Perfection

One of the most common issues I help people overcome is the belief that they aren't good enough.  It's remarkably common, you are definitely not the only one! ;) 

It's amazing the power of that little statement; "I'm not good enough". But here's a question you might never have asked...who says? 

I mean who is it that is judging you? Who is it you are judging yourself against for that matter?  If you are really not good enough then you must have a benchmark, something to compare yourself against. And that's where the problem starts. 

What I find people do is they compare themselves to perfection. An idealistic imagining of someone who never makes a mistake, never gets stressed or anxious, takes life in their stride and smiles every day as they wallow in the abundance of every wonderful thing life brings. 

This person doesn't exist.  For anyone.

The fact is that it is by making mistakes and being able to accept them, learn from them and develop because of them that we become good enough.  Without mistakes we can never get better, does that make sense? How can you improve on perfection? If you were already perfect then you'd already know everything there was to know. But you don't. No one does. 

I came up with a wee phrase earlier today that promoted today's post; 'the only person you ever have to impress is yourself'. I think that little saying sums it all up really. If you can impress yourself at least once a day that must mean you are pushing yourself just that little bit further than you went last time.  Why? Because, as people, we are rarely impressed by witnessing people (including ourselves) doing something we already know they can do!

You can never be anything else but good enough.  It's your comparisons that don't work, not you. Go out and aim to impress yourself just once every single day. Do that and the you'll quickly find just how good you can be. 

Be special. 

The Puzzle of People

I recently had the great fortune to be modelled by a group of Master Practitioner students during a recent course.  For the non-NLPers this basically means they 'interrogated' me with amazing questions and insight to discover my thought processes, mindset, beliefs and approach when I work with a client. 

It brought up many interesting things but one in particular, I believe, can make the difference between success and failure to anyone out there involved in the development of people.  Any good coach out there already does it, but so many people don't think of it.

You know those spot the difference puzzles you used to do when you were a kid? You know 'spot the 6 differences between these 2 pictures of a spotty cow'? I recently was shown that if you hold the 2 pictures next to each other and cross your eyes (like looking at one of those 3D pictures) the differences 'shimmer'. It really works, you should try it.  It totally blew my mind!

Anyway, whenever I meet anyone for the first time, whether it be someone on a course or perhaps a prospective client, I find that they have a shimmer.  Its like a spot the difference.

I see the person in my head with all the potential, possibility, love, happiness and peace that they want.  I don't see 'problems'. I see the person underneath the problems. The real them. When I compare this to the person in front of me it's like the differences amplify, I can almost feel them, see the shimmer.  My job is then simply to clear that blockage and allow the real them out. When that happens, the person will very quickly begin to get what they want (this is why I am loathe to say I fix problems, I more think of it as freeing people from bullsh!t)

So, if you are in any situation where you have the opportunity to help someone, whether that be a colleague to a friend, hold the real them in your head and ask yourself 'how is it possible they aren't already living the life of their dreams?'. Now help them get there.

But do you want something even more powerful? The next time you look in the mirror, see the real you. Do you have all that you want? If you don't what is it that the 'real you' would do differently to get everything you want?

Now for the same advice as last night...go do it!

Be the real you.  It's harder work than you think to be anyone else. 

Jump ya silly b&@&€d. JUMP!

I see a lot of quotes on Facebook and, like you, you'll see the same ones coming round again and again and again. Eventually, like anything you are repeatedly exposed to, they lose their power and become diluted, a bit like a smoker who doesn't get the 'hit' anymore. 

That's why when I see a new one, something I've not seen before, it can get me excited. 

This morning I heard a quote from Game of Thrones. I've not read the books or watched the series but I might now! The quote was one character asking his father "can a man still be brave if he's afraid?" and his father says "that is the only time a man can be brave". Epic!

So many people run from fear thinking that it's something they should never feel. They look at people doing amazing things and believe, mistakenly, that the person doing it isn't afraid or, because they have courage, that they don't feel the fear.

That's not how it works!

Bravery, courage, resolve, tenacity, being unstoppable is only important when you are faced with the things that scare you. When your comfortable there is no need to be brave, when you're 'out there' further than you've been before, that's when you need to show your bottle. 

There are countless tales of athletes, performers, politicians, speakers, entertainers, trainers, teachers, gurus feeling nervous just before they deliver.  But the fact is, they deliver. 

When you are next faced with something that scares you whether that be speaking in public, standing up for yourself, complaining about something, doing something crazy and new, i want you to take a really good look inside. It's at that moment you get to prove how brave you are. It is in there, all you need to do is do it.  

Feel the fear.  Use it as fuel.

I'm lucky enough to see to happen all the time. Many people reading this will know exactly what I'm talking about (remember its a surprise!). I've seen many people want to walk away when their moment comes.  They tell me they can't do it, they're not 'brave' enough. But they are.

And so are you.

In the moments of fear, you prove to yourself how strong you are. Fear can be fuel when you use it in the right way.

Now I'm away to buy a box set! Be brave...

Scared of new?

I love new. That's not an auto correct mistake! I love 'new'. I'm always on the hunt for new things to do, the excitement of a tweak to a course, to a new client, to a whole new set of people on a course just gets me going!

Anyway, I've been lucky enough to be surrounded by people doing new things with their life's recently. It's been scary for many of them at times. That s what happens.  But the aftermath is incredible. The possibilities, the success, the feeling of achievement. It's what it's all about. 

Any time you are going to stretch yourself it will bring with it, at least, a moment of fear. The quality of your life is directly related to the amount of this fear you can handle and overcome. 

So as you embark on a new week I want to set you a wee challenge; do something that scares you. Refuse to spend another week living 'same shit, different day'. 

Look out further than the next day and ask yourself 'what is the one thing I've not done because the thought of doing it freaks me out?'. 

Go do it.

PS can I offer a massive well done to everyone around me embarking on a new stage of their lives. I know how deep you're digging and I know the rewards are coming your way :)

Looking at you looking at them

Quick Friday Thought; isn't it funny how sometimes we criticise something or someone while demonstrating the very thing we are criticising ourselves.

You know, screaming at someone to 'not be so angry!' or saying someone is stubborn while refusing to give an inch yourself. 

Sometimes, when we are ready to criticise, the first place we should look is in the mirror. 

Grabbing life's bollocks...

Isn't it funny how sometimes the very thing we want is exactly the thing we act against. 

All of us want to have the good things in life, don't we? Things like happiness, peace, love, respect, togetherness, friendship and a million other things unique to us. So why do so many of us live in anger, frustration, sadness, anxiety and loads of other things that make us feel like crap? 

I wonder how many people reading this answered that with 'it's not my fault, it's other people that make me feel like that'? Guess what? It's not them, it's you!

If you want to have all those good things then it's up to you to change not everyone else.  

If you want togetherness and family, why do you keep shouting at each other? If you want friendship and enjoyment, why do you push everyone away? If you want health, peace and happiness why do you wake up every weekend with another hangover?

There are no words of wisdom that can change you.  There is no thought provoking Facebook soundbite that will alter your life. There is no deep Einstein quote that can bring you all you want.  The only thing that can do it, is you.

You have the power to change everything. You have the power to get all you want from life. You are in control. You are in charge of your life. So are you going to keep blaming other people for your life or are you going to do something about it? Your choice, your moment.

Grab your life by the bollocks. It's what it wants ;) 

I'd rather do it than have it...

I was having a chat to a pal tonight about something I say all the time and frequently have people ask me about, it's my use of the word 'doing' rather than 'have'. 

For example, let's take depression. Depression isn't something you have, it's something you do. It's active, it's a verb! Depression is the act of depressing yourself. 

I'm going to pause here to allow the silence to be punctuated by someone screaming 'You don't understand...' at their computer. 

Now that's out of the way can I just add, the act of doing is rarely conscious and doesn't diminish the feelings someone feels. If you're doing depression, anxiety, loneliness, jealousy, resentment, anger, sadness, disappointment, guilt or any other emotion then you will really feel like shit sometimes but i just want you to realise you're not sick. You're not broken. You're just stuck in a pattern of thought and emotion that isn't serving you. 

You can change. Everyone can.  If we treat these emotions as 'things' then it makes them immovable, permanent.  Let's get straight, it's a behaviour, a set of circumstances that, although feels real, is still just behaviour. To say someone 'has' depression for example puts a huge label on them, labelling in this case is not useful. In fact it will tend to force generalisations about behaviour and make it less likely that the person will be able to change. 

Does that make sense? There is a permanence to 'has' and a flexibility in 'do'. 

The question is do you want to be sick and broken or do you want to tell yourself this is a temporary thing you can change easily? 

Flexibility is good.  Touch your emotional toes with your emotional fingers and watch how cool life becomes :)

The Theory with No Name

I have a theory. I dunno if I've spoken about it here before but I was speaking about it yesterday and I find a lot of people relate to it. I've never named it, but maybe you can help with that! Here it goes...

As we grow up, stuff happens. Emotional stuff.  It tends to happen in two ways; the big 'whack' - something emotionally huge that belts you like being hit by a bus - or the 'drip feed' - something just keeps happening again and again and again and again...

I find that when these things happen, especially when we are growing up, somewhere in our head, a part of us stops and becomes stuck. When I say stops I mean stops, it never grows up. It is left inside being perpetually 8 years old (or whatever age the stuff really got you). A little child version of you locked inside you, scared, angry, sad or maybe guilty. 

You'll recognise it. It's the time you feel like a little boy or a little girl again even though you are now an adult. It's the little you that still hurts when you think of it. It's the you that you remember being before everything changed. 
 
So what do you do about it? Well, there are many things, but here's just one. Imagine simply finding that younger you, give them a hug and telling them 'it's all ok now'. Give that part of you permission to grow up, to let go and realise its ok now to stop being scared, sad, angry or guilty. It's time for all of you to grow up now. 

Find the part of you that got stuck and unstick it. You'll be amazed how amazing it feels to be all the same age :)

Cleaning the cat (that's not code!)

Someone said to me today that they wondered if they had any emotions left because they hadn't 'felt' in about 2 years. This is amazingly common. Ask yourself, when was the last time you remember feeling love? Happiness? Peace? Anger even?

Some people will have felt all those things today! Maybe even in the last 10 minutes! That's amazingly common too!

To the people that don't 'feel', I almost always ask the same question; 'when did you first feel out of control of your emotions?'

Have you ever tried to give a cat a bath? It's a bloody nightmare let me tell you! In my experience it is one of the most violent and futile tasks you can ever take part in.  The more you hold, the more it struggles.  The more you push, the more it wriggles and they are strong when they are giving it them all. The minute you lose concentration, you're bleeding.  It is an act of sheer brute strength to hold on to even a tiny sliver of control! It's nuts. I'm glad I have a dog these days!

Why talk about bathing cats?  Because bathing a cat is just like controlling your mind! What most people do is they hold tighter and tighter giving less and less wriggle room to try and stop their mind from 'biting' them. But there is the problem. When you hold your mind tightly to avoid it causing you pain, you also stop any chance of it giving you pleasure.  The more you control it, the less it 'moves', the less it 'moves', the less you feel. 

So what do I ask people to do next? I ask them to accept and let go of control. Its just like letting go of the cat, the first thing you'll get is scratched! But just wait, once you let it run off the fear and the anger everything chills out. Before you know it, it's clean, purring and back to its old self. 

It's enough to turn you into a dog person, isn't it! Purr, purr, meow...

Days that define us

We can wait our whole life wondering if we'll ever reach it. Some of us even know exactly what 'it' is while some of us will never have the confidence or self belief to really go for 'it' with everything we have. 

It's one of the most powerful driving forces we own yet so many of us ignore it, pretending it doesn't exist and allowing other people to define our opportunities to achieve it. 

Destiny. 

Just something for you to think about tonight. 

Tomorrow my wife Sheena takes a first step on a path that we had never even considered 6 years ago. That was when she started university, in itself a massive step for someone who hadn't had the best of time at school nearly 15 years prior to this.

Tomorrow, after a lot of hard work, some squeaky bum times, some amazing times, and an understanding that to succeed you need to look forward and persevere, she begins her journey towards being a high school teacher. It's an incredible place for her to have ended and one she truly deserves. 

Is it her destiny? Right now it is! But that's not to say she won't have another one, or that this is just another step on a path to something bigger. 

I like to believe that we can turn all we experience into fuel for our destiny. You have one. And it could be amazing. The question is, do you have the courage to turn the engine on?

Shadows of Happiness

Late Night Musing: Funny how happiness can sometimes catch you unaware, isn't it? Or is it that you've just not been noticing it as much recently? 

Happiness is a bit like your shadow, it's always there, it never leaves you. It's there when the sun shines brightly and its there when it rains. It's just a question of whether you take the time to notice it or not. 

Think that says it all really. 

Brevity...what an unusual concept... ;)

Revenge of the assholes

There is an intriguing pattern that I watch people get into, I like to call them 'revenge circles'. 

This is when 2 (or occasionally more) people end up using some sort of perceived injustice as an excuse to act like an asshole towards the other person in a bid to rebalance the universe and make it all alright again.  The rationale tends to go along the lines of 'Well he/she did <perceived injustice> so I'll show them by <asshole behaviour>'. 

Can I point out this asshole behaviour can include telling the other person exactly how much it hurt and making them grovel like a pig to make up for it. 

Of course, what happens next is the cycle returns to the beginning as the mantle of 'asshole' is given to the other person.  And so the cycle goes on. It can repeat for years and it has the ability to kill any relationship; romantic, business, friendship whatever. 

The thing for people to notice is that revenge is never about the other person. It's about you.  As an example try this on 'You made me feel small/insignificant/bad/sad/mad so now I'll make you feel small/insignificant/bad/sad/mad to make me feel better'. It's poisonous yet it's easily stopped. 

Break the cycle. Just don't be an asshole! Tell it like it is but avoid point scoring. Be honest and truthful but don't belittle or jab at the person's ego. 

Revenge is about you not them. Now it's up to you to do what you need to do. :)

Alice's adventures in Enger-Land

Today I met my most experienced(!) client for the first time. At 79 years of age she takes the trophy by a good 5 years or so!

There were many amazing things about our meeting today (including her fantastically point blank refusal to accept that, at 79, she should just accept her recent anxiety and be happy with her lot). 

But it was a little story she told me that made me think and I thought I'd share.  We were talking about how she is also very computer literate and is a bit of a photo editing expert!

Anyway, in the 1950s she started work for the Royal Air something or other and was fortunate enough to be working on one of only 2 computers in the whole country. As she described it, this machine was the size of two decent living rooms (amazing to think I now carry something significantly more powerful in my pocket). 

The computer used paper 'tape' full of holes to compute whatever it was computing using some very clever maths and some equally clever engineering. When the machine broke down, a door was opened and boffins walked inside to see what the issue was. 

One day the machine broke down, wouldn't run the program it was meant to. No matter how many experts they brought in it still refused to work. Professor this and Doctor that were brought in to locate the problem. Nothing doing. The boss says to these guys 'give it to Alice, she'll sort it'.

Alice took the paper 'program' as her first port of call and ran it through her fingers. 5 minutes later she grabbed her pen and poked it through the paper 'program'.  Next run through, worked perfectly. The 'program' was missing a hole.  What the boffins didn't know was that Alice had learned to read the programs. Pretty god damn cool if you ask me. 

When you keep on looking in the wrong place you'll never find a solution. Sometimes it pays to ask yourself what the simplest solution could be and do that first. 

Hope you enjoyed Alice's story and my liberal use of the word 'boffins'. :)

Who the hell are you?

What's your first answer to this question; Who are you?

This used to be the very first question of the BreakThrough Weekend and got some curious answers. I was out today doing a talk to some very lovely people and, as I came home, it popped into my head again. Who are you?

There are some typical answers to this question. Many people will answer with their job eg 'I'm a plumber' or whatever you do. But that's not who you are though, is it? That's what you do.

Some people will even answer with where they come from. But, again, that's not who you are. That's just where you come from.

Some people will tell you their ailments and illnesses eg 'I'm a sufferer'. But again that's not who you are. That's something you are feeling.

There are many other answers (I used to be able to pick out the people that had done personal development courses before because they would tell me they are 'the light of the universe' or 'a force of goodness and peace'!) but the interesting thing is what it does for us behaviourally.

People with similar identities tend to congregate. Football fans find each other don't they? People with similar music taste go to the same clubs, business people gather at networking events, people who believe they are overweight go to slimming clubs, the list goes on. It sounds like an 'of course they do Brian, where else would they go'. Well, loads of places! But they don't. There is a comfort in being with people who share your ideals, beliefs and ultimately identity. Yet the question is whether or not the identity you gain through the things you do is Positive or not? I'll leave that to you.

All I'll say is that your job, your football team, your music, your place of birth, your house or even your current illness do not define who you are. Whatever your answer to that question is, I promise you, you are much, much more than that. And when you look inside and think about it, you'll realise just how much more you are :)

Sweet dreams

Guest Blog; What gets you out of bed in the morning?

Guest Blog Tonight: my friend and colleague Steve Burns writes tonight about getting out of bed in the morning. Enjoy :)...

Following our recent NLP Master Practitioner Course in Glasgow my fascination into how we are motivated to do the things we do was rekindled. Just how do you motivate yourself to get out of bed in the morning?

I mean, if you also have a memory foam mattress like me, you'll know just how cosy, warm and beautiful your sleeping palace can be...:-)

So how do you do it? Are you inspired & excited for the days plans, fearful & stressed that if you don't move soon then you won't have time to do what you feel you need to do? or maybe you juts kind of roll out, stumble into the shower and let the cold water do the job for you.

Of course when we zoom the camera back a bit we find a more important question at play...

In general, why do we do anything? What are you primary motivation strategies for getting things done?

Do you use the the anticipation of how good you're going to feel when you're done? Or perhaps you choose the gut wrenching fear of how bad you'll feel if you don't...Or maybe you're somewhere in between...

It's an important question when you think about it...Most of your day is taken up by 'doing stuff' so you might as well do it in a way where you get the greatest pleasure you can and the smallest amount of frustration.

I was told a story once about a foolish man and a wise man. On deciding to clean his closet for the first time in a year the foolish man opens the door, takes a look at the mass of disorganised clothes and random objects, instantly feels a pang of anxiety in the pit of his stomach but decides it's something he really should do. He proceeds to re-arrange his closet and, as he progresses through all the junk, the feeling of anxiety gets smaller and smaller until (once he has finished) the feeling has gone...

The wise man, however, had a different strategy...On opening the closet and seeing a similar scene of chaos he quickly projects himself into the future...and imagines what it's going to be like when he's finished...The time and place when the closet looks clean, organised and just the way he wants it...On feeling the good feeling this brings he starts the tidy...The closer he gets to this image the better he feels until he experiences the sense of satisfaction on completion...

Because when you get down to it there's always a way to do things that involves maximizing the pleasure and minimizing the stress...

So ask yourself the question, Why do I do what I do? Is it to mostly to avoid pain? or is it all about the pleasure? If it's the former then shifting this more towards noticing the pleasure could be one of the best things you've ever done...

Check out www.scottishcentreofnlp.com for details of where you can see Steve and I train together very soon indeed

Canny decide...

Here's a thought I had today; 

How old were you when you started making decisions for yourself?

How old were you when you stopped?

Think about it...

I'm thinking a few clients will be hearing this in the not too distant future :)

Big Plasma

Talking to a pal tonight and she said something interesting. She told me she didn't realise the Simpsons were yellow for years. My first thought about that is probably the same as yours to be honest but the reason surprised me. Up until 3 years ago she was still watching on an old black and white telly, she made the colours up. She got them wrong!

It's funny how when we're presented with an incomplete picture how we fill in the blanks and, most times, we fill the blanks with total bollocks!!

We just make it up! I mean sometimes we get it right but most times, because the only way we can fill the blanks is to use more incomplete information, we will always be slightly off.

How many colours have you made up in your head? Maybe it's time to look at some old shows through new eyes...

Izzy Wizzy lets get busy

There is a concept in psychology called 'secondary gain'. Basically it means that the person is getting some sort of benefit from the problem they are trying to get rid of. It's a big thing in addictions. Think of how many smokers you know that want to give up but keep on smoking, standing outside offices and pubs hating their habit while indulging their habit. Can I add, this is true of all the folk addicted to food and all the other things we enjoy hiding in as well!

It's fascinating to think that the problem you have been trying to get rid of is actually still their because somewhere, deep in your unconscious, the problem is meeting a need. A need you may not even know you need!!

Maybe it makes you feel wanted, or special to be the way you are? Maybe it makes you feel safe or hidden? Maybe it simply makes you feel loved and wanted, one of our most primal needs. (I'm feeling deep tonight, can you tell?

Anyway, there is a couple of simple questions you can ask to have a wee explore of your unconscious and discover your deep needs. Ready to go mind blank for a few seconds? OK, here we go;

'Who are you without your problem?'...

'What is the purpose of your problem?'...(stick with this one past the first answer, which will likely be 'nothing' or 'pain')

The great thing is that, once you find it, it tends to go away and so does your problem. I mean like 'Abracadabra' going away so it's worth exploring.

Anyway, be honest with yourself and enjoy doing mind magic.

Remember...'Abracadabra'

What the hell do you do that for?

It's day 2 of our Master Practitioner of NLP course today and I thought for the next 4 nights I'd just share a short Master Prac Thought with you. Here's today's; 

What is your purpose? What do you do it all for? 

Sometimes just having a reason, a 'something' to aim for, makes everything simply make sense, doesn't it?

So, think about that thing you do and ask yourself, what is it that it gets you that, above everything else, makes you keep on doing it. 

The answer may or may not surprise you :)