Cleaning the cat (that's not code!)

Someone said to me today that they wondered if they had any emotions left because they hadn't 'felt' in about 2 years. This is amazingly common. Ask yourself, when was the last time you remember feeling love? Happiness? Peace? Anger even?

Some people will have felt all those things today! Maybe even in the last 10 minutes! That's amazingly common too!

To the people that don't 'feel', I almost always ask the same question; 'when did you first feel out of control of your emotions?'

Have you ever tried to give a cat a bath? It's a bloody nightmare let me tell you! In my experience it is one of the most violent and futile tasks you can ever take part in.  The more you hold, the more it struggles.  The more you push, the more it wriggles and they are strong when they are giving it them all. The minute you lose concentration, you're bleeding.  It is an act of sheer brute strength to hold on to even a tiny sliver of control! It's nuts. I'm glad I have a dog these days!

Why talk about bathing cats?  Because bathing a cat is just like controlling your mind! What most people do is they hold tighter and tighter giving less and less wriggle room to try and stop their mind from 'biting' them. But there is the problem. When you hold your mind tightly to avoid it causing you pain, you also stop any chance of it giving you pleasure.  The more you control it, the less it 'moves', the less it 'moves', the less you feel. 

So what do I ask people to do next? I ask them to accept and let go of control. Its just like letting go of the cat, the first thing you'll get is scratched! But just wait, once you let it run off the fear and the anger everything chills out. Before you know it, it's clean, purring and back to its old self. 

It's enough to turn you into a dog person, isn't it! Purr, purr, meow...

Days that define us

We can wait our whole life wondering if we'll ever reach it. Some of us even know exactly what 'it' is while some of us will never have the confidence or self belief to really go for 'it' with everything we have. 

It's one of the most powerful driving forces we own yet so many of us ignore it, pretending it doesn't exist and allowing other people to define our opportunities to achieve it. 

Destiny. 

Just something for you to think about tonight. 

Tomorrow my wife Sheena takes a first step on a path that we had never even considered 6 years ago. That was when she started university, in itself a massive step for someone who hadn't had the best of time at school nearly 15 years prior to this.

Tomorrow, after a lot of hard work, some squeaky bum times, some amazing times, and an understanding that to succeed you need to look forward and persevere, she begins her journey towards being a high school teacher. It's an incredible place for her to have ended and one she truly deserves. 

Is it her destiny? Right now it is! But that's not to say she won't have another one, or that this is just another step on a path to something bigger. 

I like to believe that we can turn all we experience into fuel for our destiny. You have one. And it could be amazing. The question is, do you have the courage to turn the engine on?

Shadows of Happiness

Late Night Musing: Funny how happiness can sometimes catch you unaware, isn't it? Or is it that you've just not been noticing it as much recently? 

Happiness is a bit like your shadow, it's always there, it never leaves you. It's there when the sun shines brightly and its there when it rains. It's just a question of whether you take the time to notice it or not. 

Think that says it all really. 

Brevity...what an unusual concept... ;)

Revenge of the assholes

There is an intriguing pattern that I watch people get into, I like to call them 'revenge circles'. 

This is when 2 (or occasionally more) people end up using some sort of perceived injustice as an excuse to act like an asshole towards the other person in a bid to rebalance the universe and make it all alright again.  The rationale tends to go along the lines of 'Well he/she did <perceived injustice> so I'll show them by <asshole behaviour>'. 

Can I point out this asshole behaviour can include telling the other person exactly how much it hurt and making them grovel like a pig to make up for it. 

Of course, what happens next is the cycle returns to the beginning as the mantle of 'asshole' is given to the other person.  And so the cycle goes on. It can repeat for years and it has the ability to kill any relationship; romantic, business, friendship whatever. 

The thing for people to notice is that revenge is never about the other person. It's about you.  As an example try this on 'You made me feel small/insignificant/bad/sad/mad so now I'll make you feel small/insignificant/bad/sad/mad to make me feel better'. It's poisonous yet it's easily stopped. 

Break the cycle. Just don't be an asshole! Tell it like it is but avoid point scoring. Be honest and truthful but don't belittle or jab at the person's ego. 

Revenge is about you not them. Now it's up to you to do what you need to do. :)

Alice's adventures in Enger-Land

Today I met my most experienced(!) client for the first time. At 79 years of age she takes the trophy by a good 5 years or so!

There were many amazing things about our meeting today (including her fantastically point blank refusal to accept that, at 79, she should just accept her recent anxiety and be happy with her lot). 

But it was a little story she told me that made me think and I thought I'd share.  We were talking about how she is also very computer literate and is a bit of a photo editing expert!

Anyway, in the 1950s she started work for the Royal Air something or other and was fortunate enough to be working on one of only 2 computers in the whole country. As she described it, this machine was the size of two decent living rooms (amazing to think I now carry something significantly more powerful in my pocket). 

The computer used paper 'tape' full of holes to compute whatever it was computing using some very clever maths and some equally clever engineering. When the machine broke down, a door was opened and boffins walked inside to see what the issue was. 

One day the machine broke down, wouldn't run the program it was meant to. No matter how many experts they brought in it still refused to work. Professor this and Doctor that were brought in to locate the problem. Nothing doing. The boss says to these guys 'give it to Alice, she'll sort it'.

Alice took the paper 'program' as her first port of call and ran it through her fingers. 5 minutes later she grabbed her pen and poked it through the paper 'program'.  Next run through, worked perfectly. The 'program' was missing a hole.  What the boffins didn't know was that Alice had learned to read the programs. Pretty god damn cool if you ask me. 

When you keep on looking in the wrong place you'll never find a solution. Sometimes it pays to ask yourself what the simplest solution could be and do that first. 

Hope you enjoyed Alice's story and my liberal use of the word 'boffins'. :)

Who the hell are you?

What's your first answer to this question; Who are you?

This used to be the very first question of the BreakThrough Weekend and got some curious answers. I was out today doing a talk to some very lovely people and, as I came home, it popped into my head again. Who are you?

There are some typical answers to this question. Many people will answer with their job eg 'I'm a plumber' or whatever you do. But that's not who you are though, is it? That's what you do.

Some people will even answer with where they come from. But, again, that's not who you are. That's just where you come from.

Some people will tell you their ailments and illnesses eg 'I'm a sufferer'. But again that's not who you are. That's something you are feeling.

There are many other answers (I used to be able to pick out the people that had done personal development courses before because they would tell me they are 'the light of the universe' or 'a force of goodness and peace'!) but the interesting thing is what it does for us behaviourally.

People with similar identities tend to congregate. Football fans find each other don't they? People with similar music taste go to the same clubs, business people gather at networking events, people who believe they are overweight go to slimming clubs, the list goes on. It sounds like an 'of course they do Brian, where else would they go'. Well, loads of places! But they don't. There is a comfort in being with people who share your ideals, beliefs and ultimately identity. Yet the question is whether or not the identity you gain through the things you do is Positive or not? I'll leave that to you.

All I'll say is that your job, your football team, your music, your place of birth, your house or even your current illness do not define who you are. Whatever your answer to that question is, I promise you, you are much, much more than that. And when you look inside and think about it, you'll realise just how much more you are :)

Sweet dreams

Guest Blog; What gets you out of bed in the morning?

Guest Blog Tonight: my friend and colleague Steve Burns writes tonight about getting out of bed in the morning. Enjoy :)...

Following our recent NLP Master Practitioner Course in Glasgow my fascination into how we are motivated to do the things we do was rekindled. Just how do you motivate yourself to get out of bed in the morning?

I mean, if you also have a memory foam mattress like me, you'll know just how cosy, warm and beautiful your sleeping palace can be...:-)

So how do you do it? Are you inspired & excited for the days plans, fearful & stressed that if you don't move soon then you won't have time to do what you feel you need to do? or maybe you juts kind of roll out, stumble into the shower and let the cold water do the job for you.

Of course when we zoom the camera back a bit we find a more important question at play...

In general, why do we do anything? What are you primary motivation strategies for getting things done?

Do you use the the anticipation of how good you're going to feel when you're done? Or perhaps you choose the gut wrenching fear of how bad you'll feel if you don't...Or maybe you're somewhere in between...

It's an important question when you think about it...Most of your day is taken up by 'doing stuff' so you might as well do it in a way where you get the greatest pleasure you can and the smallest amount of frustration.

I was told a story once about a foolish man and a wise man. On deciding to clean his closet for the first time in a year the foolish man opens the door, takes a look at the mass of disorganised clothes and random objects, instantly feels a pang of anxiety in the pit of his stomach but decides it's something he really should do. He proceeds to re-arrange his closet and, as he progresses through all the junk, the feeling of anxiety gets smaller and smaller until (once he has finished) the feeling has gone...

The wise man, however, had a different strategy...On opening the closet and seeing a similar scene of chaos he quickly projects himself into the future...and imagines what it's going to be like when he's finished...The time and place when the closet looks clean, organised and just the way he wants it...On feeling the good feeling this brings he starts the tidy...The closer he gets to this image the better he feels until he experiences the sense of satisfaction on completion...

Because when you get down to it there's always a way to do things that involves maximizing the pleasure and minimizing the stress...

So ask yourself the question, Why do I do what I do? Is it to mostly to avoid pain? or is it all about the pleasure? If it's the former then shifting this more towards noticing the pleasure could be one of the best things you've ever done...

Check out www.scottishcentreofnlp.com for details of where you can see Steve and I train together very soon indeed