Howdy,
The Hope, Humour and HeadStrong blog has moved. Come and find us at www.hopeandhumour.co.uk
See you there :)
Brian
Friday, 7 September 2012
Wednesday, 5 September 2012
Pursuing Perfection
One of the most common issues I help people overcome is the belief that they aren't good enough. It's remarkably common, you are definitely not the only one! ;)
It's amazing the power of that little statement; "I'm not good enough". But here's a question you might never have asked...who says?
I mean who is it that is judging you? Who is it you are judging yourself against for that matter? If you are really not good enough then you must have a benchmark, something to compare yourself against. And that's where the problem starts.
What I find people do is they compare themselves to perfection. An idealistic imagining of someone who never makes a mistake, never gets stressed or anxious, takes life in their stride and smiles every day as they wallow in the abundance of every wonderful thing life brings.
This person doesn't exist. For anyone.
The fact is that it is by making mistakes and being able to accept them, learn from them and develop because of them that we become good enough. Without mistakes we can never get better, does that make sense? How can you improve on perfection? If you were already perfect then you'd already know everything there was to know. But you don't. No one does.
I came up with a wee phrase earlier today that promoted today's post; 'the only person you ever have to impress is yourself'. I think that little saying sums it all up really. If you can impress yourself at least once a day that must mean you are pushing yourself just that little bit further than you went last time. Why? Because, as people, we are rarely impressed by witnessing people (including ourselves) doing something we already know they can do!
You can never be anything else but good enough. It's your comparisons that don't work, not you. Go out and aim to impress yourself just once every single day. Do that and the you'll quickly find just how good you can be.
Be special.
It's amazing the power of that little statement; "I'm not good enough". But here's a question you might never have asked...who says?
I mean who is it that is judging you? Who is it you are judging yourself against for that matter? If you are really not good enough then you must have a benchmark, something to compare yourself against. And that's where the problem starts.
What I find people do is they compare themselves to perfection. An idealistic imagining of someone who never makes a mistake, never gets stressed or anxious, takes life in their stride and smiles every day as they wallow in the abundance of every wonderful thing life brings.
This person doesn't exist. For anyone.
The fact is that it is by making mistakes and being able to accept them, learn from them and develop because of them that we become good enough. Without mistakes we can never get better, does that make sense? How can you improve on perfection? If you were already perfect then you'd already know everything there was to know. But you don't. No one does.
I came up with a wee phrase earlier today that promoted today's post; 'the only person you ever have to impress is yourself'. I think that little saying sums it all up really. If you can impress yourself at least once a day that must mean you are pushing yourself just that little bit further than you went last time. Why? Because, as people, we are rarely impressed by witnessing people (including ourselves) doing something we already know they can do!
You can never be anything else but good enough. It's your comparisons that don't work, not you. Go out and aim to impress yourself just once every single day. Do that and the you'll quickly find just how good you can be.
Be special.
Tuesday, 4 September 2012
The Puzzle of People
I recently had the great fortune to be modelled by a group of Master Practitioner students during a recent course. For the non-NLPers this basically means they 'interrogated' me with amazing questions and insight to discover my thought processes, mindset, beliefs and approach when I work with a client.
It brought up many interesting things but one in particular, I believe, can make the difference between success and failure to anyone out there involved in the development of people. Any good coach out there already does it, but so many people don't think of it.
You know those spot the difference puzzles you used to do when you were a kid? You know 'spot the 6 differences between these 2 pictures of a spotty cow'? I recently was shown that if you hold the 2 pictures next to each other and cross your eyes (like looking at one of those 3D pictures) the differences 'shimmer'. It really works, you should try it. It totally blew my mind!
Anyway, whenever I meet anyone for the first time, whether it be someone on a course or perhaps a prospective client, I find that they have a shimmer. Its like a spot the difference.
I see the person in my head with all the potential, possibility, love, happiness and peace that they want. I don't see 'problems'. I see the person underneath the problems. The real them. When I compare this to the person in front of me it's like the differences amplify, I can almost feel them, see the shimmer. My job is then simply to clear that blockage and allow the real them out. When that happens, the person will very quickly begin to get what they want (this is why I am loathe to say I fix problems, I more think of it as freeing people from bullsh!t)
So, if you are in any situation where you have the opportunity to help someone, whether that be a colleague to a friend, hold the real them in your head and ask yourself 'how is it possible they aren't already living the life of their dreams?'. Now help them get there.
But do you want something even more powerful? The next time you look in the mirror, see the real you. Do you have all that you want? If you don't what is it that the 'real you' would do differently to get everything you want?
Now for the same advice as last night...go do it!
Be the real you. It's harder work than you think to be anyone else.
It brought up many interesting things but one in particular, I believe, can make the difference between success and failure to anyone out there involved in the development of people. Any good coach out there already does it, but so many people don't think of it.
You know those spot the difference puzzles you used to do when you were a kid? You know 'spot the 6 differences between these 2 pictures of a spotty cow'? I recently was shown that if you hold the 2 pictures next to each other and cross your eyes (like looking at one of those 3D pictures) the differences 'shimmer'. It really works, you should try it. It totally blew my mind!
Anyway, whenever I meet anyone for the first time, whether it be someone on a course or perhaps a prospective client, I find that they have a shimmer. Its like a spot the difference.
I see the person in my head with all the potential, possibility, love, happiness and peace that they want. I don't see 'problems'. I see the person underneath the problems. The real them. When I compare this to the person in front of me it's like the differences amplify, I can almost feel them, see the shimmer. My job is then simply to clear that blockage and allow the real them out. When that happens, the person will very quickly begin to get what they want (this is why I am loathe to say I fix problems, I more think of it as freeing people from bullsh!t)
So, if you are in any situation where you have the opportunity to help someone, whether that be a colleague to a friend, hold the real them in your head and ask yourself 'how is it possible they aren't already living the life of their dreams?'. Now help them get there.
But do you want something even more powerful? The next time you look in the mirror, see the real you. Do you have all that you want? If you don't what is it that the 'real you' would do differently to get everything you want?
Now for the same advice as last night...go do it!
Be the real you. It's harder work than you think to be anyone else.
Monday, 3 September 2012
Jump ya silly b&@&€d. JUMP!
I see a lot of quotes on Facebook and, like you, you'll see the same ones coming round again and again and again. Eventually, like anything you are repeatedly exposed to, they lose their power and become diluted, a bit like a smoker who doesn't get the 'hit' anymore.
That's why when I see a new one, something I've not seen before, it can get me excited.
This morning I heard a quote from Game of Thrones. I've not read the books or watched the series but I might now! The quote was one character asking his father "can a man still be brave if he's afraid?" and his father says "that is the only time a man can be brave". Epic!
So many people run from fear thinking that it's something they should never feel. They look at people doing amazing things and believe, mistakenly, that the person doing it isn't afraid or, because they have courage, that they don't feel the fear.
That's not how it works!
Bravery, courage, resolve, tenacity, being unstoppable is only important when you are faced with the things that scare you. When your comfortable there is no need to be brave, when you're 'out there' further than you've been before, that's when you need to show your bottle.
There are countless tales of athletes, performers, politicians, speakers, entertainers, trainers, teachers, gurus feeling nervous just before they deliver. But the fact is, they deliver.
When you are next faced with something that scares you whether that be speaking in public, standing up for yourself, complaining about something, doing something crazy and new, i want you to take a really good look inside. It's at that moment you get to prove how brave you are. It is in there, all you need to do is do it.
Feel the fear. Use it as fuel.
I'm lucky enough to see to happen all the time. Many people reading this will know exactly what I'm talking about (remember its a surprise!). I've seen many people want to walk away when their moment comes. They tell me they can't do it, they're not 'brave' enough. But they are.
And so are you.
In the moments of fear, you prove to yourself how strong you are. Fear can be fuel when you use it in the right way.
Now I'm away to buy a box set! Be brave...
That's why when I see a new one, something I've not seen before, it can get me excited.
This morning I heard a quote from Game of Thrones. I've not read the books or watched the series but I might now! The quote was one character asking his father "can a man still be brave if he's afraid?" and his father says "that is the only time a man can be brave". Epic!
So many people run from fear thinking that it's something they should never feel. They look at people doing amazing things and believe, mistakenly, that the person doing it isn't afraid or, because they have courage, that they don't feel the fear.
That's not how it works!
Bravery, courage, resolve, tenacity, being unstoppable is only important when you are faced with the things that scare you. When your comfortable there is no need to be brave, when you're 'out there' further than you've been before, that's when you need to show your bottle.
There are countless tales of athletes, performers, politicians, speakers, entertainers, trainers, teachers, gurus feeling nervous just before they deliver. But the fact is, they deliver.
When you are next faced with something that scares you whether that be speaking in public, standing up for yourself, complaining about something, doing something crazy and new, i want you to take a really good look inside. It's at that moment you get to prove how brave you are. It is in there, all you need to do is do it.
Feel the fear. Use it as fuel.
I'm lucky enough to see to happen all the time. Many people reading this will know exactly what I'm talking about (remember its a surprise!). I've seen many people want to walk away when their moment comes. They tell me they can't do it, they're not 'brave' enough. But they are.
And so are you.
In the moments of fear, you prove to yourself how strong you are. Fear can be fuel when you use it in the right way.
Now I'm away to buy a box set! Be brave...
Sunday, 2 September 2012
Scared of new?
I love new. That's not an auto correct mistake! I love 'new'. I'm always on the hunt for new things to do, the excitement of a tweak to a course, to a new client, to a whole new set of people on a course just gets me going!
Anyway, I've been lucky enough to be surrounded by people doing new things with their life's recently. It's been scary for many of them at times. That s what happens. But the aftermath is incredible. The possibilities, the success, the feeling of achievement. It's what it's all about.
Any time you are going to stretch yourself it will bring with it, at least, a moment of fear. The quality of your life is directly related to the amount of this fear you can handle and overcome.
So as you embark on a new week I want to set you a wee challenge; do something that scares you. Refuse to spend another week living 'same shit, different day'.
Look out further than the next day and ask yourself 'what is the one thing I've not done because the thought of doing it freaks me out?'.
Go do it.
PS can I offer a massive well done to everyone around me embarking on a new stage of their lives. I know how deep you're digging and I know the rewards are coming your way :)
Anyway, I've been lucky enough to be surrounded by people doing new things with their life's recently. It's been scary for many of them at times. That s what happens. But the aftermath is incredible. The possibilities, the success, the feeling of achievement. It's what it's all about.
Any time you are going to stretch yourself it will bring with it, at least, a moment of fear. The quality of your life is directly related to the amount of this fear you can handle and overcome.
So as you embark on a new week I want to set you a wee challenge; do something that scares you. Refuse to spend another week living 'same shit, different day'.
Look out further than the next day and ask yourself 'what is the one thing I've not done because the thought of doing it freaks me out?'.
Go do it.
PS can I offer a massive well done to everyone around me embarking on a new stage of their lives. I know how deep you're digging and I know the rewards are coming your way :)
Friday, 31 August 2012
Looking at you looking at them
Quick Friday Thought; isn't it funny how sometimes we criticise something or someone while demonstrating the very thing we are criticising ourselves.
You know, screaming at someone to 'not be so angry!' or saying someone is stubborn while refusing to give an inch yourself.
Sometimes, when we are ready to criticise, the first place we should look is in the mirror.
You know, screaming at someone to 'not be so angry!' or saying someone is stubborn while refusing to give an inch yourself.
Sometimes, when we are ready to criticise, the first place we should look is in the mirror.
Thursday, 30 August 2012
Grabbing life's bollocks...
Isn't it funny how sometimes the very thing we want is exactly the thing we act against.
All of us want to have the good things in life, don't we? Things like happiness, peace, love, respect, togetherness, friendship and a million other things unique to us. So why do so many of us live in anger, frustration, sadness, anxiety and loads of other things that make us feel like crap?
I wonder how many people reading this answered that with 'it's not my fault, it's other people that make me feel like that'? Guess what? It's not them, it's you!
If you want to have all those good things then it's up to you to change not everyone else.
If you want togetherness and family, why do you keep shouting at each other? If you want friendship and enjoyment, why do you push everyone away? If you want health, peace and happiness why do you wake up every weekend with another hangover?
There are no words of wisdom that can change you. There is no thought provoking Facebook soundbite that will alter your life. There is no deep Einstein quote that can bring you all you want. The only thing that can do it, is you.
You have the power to change everything. You have the power to get all you want from life. You are in control. You are in charge of your life. So are you going to keep blaming other people for your life or are you going to do something about it? Your choice, your moment.
Grab your life by the bollocks. It's what it wants ;)
All of us want to have the good things in life, don't we? Things like happiness, peace, love, respect, togetherness, friendship and a million other things unique to us. So why do so many of us live in anger, frustration, sadness, anxiety and loads of other things that make us feel like crap?
I wonder how many people reading this answered that with 'it's not my fault, it's other people that make me feel like that'? Guess what? It's not them, it's you!
If you want to have all those good things then it's up to you to change not everyone else.
If you want togetherness and family, why do you keep shouting at each other? If you want friendship and enjoyment, why do you push everyone away? If you want health, peace and happiness why do you wake up every weekend with another hangover?
There are no words of wisdom that can change you. There is no thought provoking Facebook soundbite that will alter your life. There is no deep Einstein quote that can bring you all you want. The only thing that can do it, is you.
You have the power to change everything. You have the power to get all you want from life. You are in control. You are in charge of your life. So are you going to keep blaming other people for your life or are you going to do something about it? Your choice, your moment.
Grab your life by the bollocks. It's what it wants ;)
Wednesday, 29 August 2012
I'd rather do it than have it...
I was having a chat to a pal tonight about something I say all the time and frequently have people ask me about, it's my use of the word 'doing' rather than 'have'.
For example, let's take depression. Depression isn't something you have, it's something you do. It's active, it's a verb! Depression is the act of depressing yourself.
I'm going to pause here to allow the silence to be punctuated by someone screaming 'You don't understand...' at their computer.
Now that's out of the way can I just add, the act of doing is rarely conscious and doesn't diminish the feelings someone feels. If you're doing depression, anxiety, loneliness, jealousy, resentment, anger, sadness, disappointment, guilt or any other emotion then you will really feel like shit sometimes but i just want you to realise you're not sick. You're not broken. You're just stuck in a pattern of thought and emotion that isn't serving you.
You can change. Everyone can. If we treat these emotions as 'things' then it makes them immovable, permanent. Let's get straight, it's a behaviour, a set of circumstances that, although feels real, is still just behaviour. To say someone 'has' depression for example puts a huge label on them, labelling in this case is not useful. In fact it will tend to force generalisations about behaviour and make it less likely that the person will be able to change.
Does that make sense? There is a permanence to 'has' and a flexibility in 'do'.
The question is do you want to be sick and broken or do you want to tell yourself this is a temporary thing you can change easily?
Flexibility is good. Touch your emotional toes with your emotional fingers and watch how cool life becomes :)
For example, let's take depression. Depression isn't something you have, it's something you do. It's active, it's a verb! Depression is the act of depressing yourself.
I'm going to pause here to allow the silence to be punctuated by someone screaming 'You don't understand...' at their computer.
Now that's out of the way can I just add, the act of doing is rarely conscious and doesn't diminish the feelings someone feels. If you're doing depression, anxiety, loneliness, jealousy, resentment, anger, sadness, disappointment, guilt or any other emotion then you will really feel like shit sometimes but i just want you to realise you're not sick. You're not broken. You're just stuck in a pattern of thought and emotion that isn't serving you.
You can change. Everyone can. If we treat these emotions as 'things' then it makes them immovable, permanent. Let's get straight, it's a behaviour, a set of circumstances that, although feels real, is still just behaviour. To say someone 'has' depression for example puts a huge label on them, labelling in this case is not useful. In fact it will tend to force generalisations about behaviour and make it less likely that the person will be able to change.
Does that make sense? There is a permanence to 'has' and a flexibility in 'do'.
The question is do you want to be sick and broken or do you want to tell yourself this is a temporary thing you can change easily?
Flexibility is good. Touch your emotional toes with your emotional fingers and watch how cool life becomes :)
Tuesday, 28 August 2012
The Theory with No Name
I have a theory. I dunno if I've spoken about it here before but I was speaking about it yesterday and I find a lot of people relate to it. I've never named it, but maybe you can help with that! Here it goes...
As we grow up, stuff happens. Emotional stuff. It tends to happen in two ways; the big 'whack' - something emotionally huge that belts you like being hit by a bus - or the 'drip feed' - something just keeps happening again and again and again and again...
I find that when these things happen, especially when we are growing up, somewhere in our head, a part of us stops and becomes stuck. When I say stops I mean stops, it never grows up. It is left inside being perpetually 8 years old (or whatever age the stuff really got you). A little child version of you locked inside you, scared, angry, sad or maybe guilty.
You'll recognise it. It's the time you feel like a little boy or a little girl again even though you are now an adult. It's the little you that still hurts when you think of it. It's the you that you remember being before everything changed.
So what do you do about it? Well, there are many things, but here's just one. Imagine simply finding that younger you, give them a hug and telling them 'it's all ok now'. Give that part of you permission to grow up, to let go and realise its ok now to stop being scared, sad, angry or guilty. It's time for all of you to grow up now.
Find the part of you that got stuck and unstick it. You'll be amazed how amazing it feels to be all the same age :)
As we grow up, stuff happens. Emotional stuff. It tends to happen in two ways; the big 'whack' - something emotionally huge that belts you like being hit by a bus - or the 'drip feed' - something just keeps happening again and again and again and again...
I find that when these things happen, especially when we are growing up, somewhere in our head, a part of us stops and becomes stuck. When I say stops I mean stops, it never grows up. It is left inside being perpetually 8 years old (or whatever age the stuff really got you). A little child version of you locked inside you, scared, angry, sad or maybe guilty.
You'll recognise it. It's the time you feel like a little boy or a little girl again even though you are now an adult. It's the little you that still hurts when you think of it. It's the you that you remember being before everything changed.
So what do you do about it? Well, there are many things, but here's just one. Imagine simply finding that younger you, give them a hug and telling them 'it's all ok now'. Give that part of you permission to grow up, to let go and realise its ok now to stop being scared, sad, angry or guilty. It's time for all of you to grow up now.
Find the part of you that got stuck and unstick it. You'll be amazed how amazing it feels to be all the same age :)
Monday, 27 August 2012
Cleaning the cat (that's not code!)
Someone said to me today that they wondered if they had any emotions left because they hadn't 'felt' in about 2 years. This is amazingly common. Ask yourself, when was the last time you remember feeling love? Happiness? Peace? Anger even?
Some people will have felt all those things today! Maybe even in the last 10 minutes! That's amazingly common too!
To the people that don't 'feel', I almost always ask the same question; 'when did you first feel out of control of your emotions?'
Have you ever tried to give a cat a bath? It's a bloody nightmare let me tell you! In my experience it is one of the most violent and futile tasks you can ever take part in. The more you hold, the more it struggles. The more you push, the more it wriggles and they are strong when they are giving it them all. The minute you lose concentration, you're bleeding. It is an act of sheer brute strength to hold on to even a tiny sliver of control! It's nuts. I'm glad I have a dog these days!
Why talk about bathing cats? Because bathing a cat is just like controlling your mind! What most people do is they hold tighter and tighter giving less and less wriggle room to try and stop their mind from 'biting' them. But there is the problem. When you hold your mind tightly to avoid it causing you pain, you also stop any chance of it giving you pleasure. The more you control it, the less it 'moves', the less it 'moves', the less you feel.
So what do I ask people to do next? I ask them to accept and let go of control. Its just like letting go of the cat, the first thing you'll get is scratched! But just wait, once you let it run off the fear and the anger everything chills out. Before you know it, it's clean, purring and back to its old self.
It's enough to turn you into a dog person, isn't it! Purr, purr, meow...
Some people will have felt all those things today! Maybe even in the last 10 minutes! That's amazingly common too!
To the people that don't 'feel', I almost always ask the same question; 'when did you first feel out of control of your emotions?'
Have you ever tried to give a cat a bath? It's a bloody nightmare let me tell you! In my experience it is one of the most violent and futile tasks you can ever take part in. The more you hold, the more it struggles. The more you push, the more it wriggles and they are strong when they are giving it them all. The minute you lose concentration, you're bleeding. It is an act of sheer brute strength to hold on to even a tiny sliver of control! It's nuts. I'm glad I have a dog these days!
Why talk about bathing cats? Because bathing a cat is just like controlling your mind! What most people do is they hold tighter and tighter giving less and less wriggle room to try and stop their mind from 'biting' them. But there is the problem. When you hold your mind tightly to avoid it causing you pain, you also stop any chance of it giving you pleasure. The more you control it, the less it 'moves', the less it 'moves', the less you feel.
So what do I ask people to do next? I ask them to accept and let go of control. Its just like letting go of the cat, the first thing you'll get is scratched! But just wait, once you let it run off the fear and the anger everything chills out. Before you know it, it's clean, purring and back to its old self.
It's enough to turn you into a dog person, isn't it! Purr, purr, meow...
Sunday, 26 August 2012
Days that define us
We can wait our whole life wondering if we'll ever reach it. Some of us even know exactly what 'it' is while some of us will never have the confidence or self belief to really go for 'it' with everything we have.
It's one of the most powerful driving forces we own yet so many of us ignore it, pretending it doesn't exist and allowing other people to define our opportunities to achieve it.
Destiny.
Just something for you to think about tonight.
Tomorrow my wife Sheena takes a first step on a path that we had never even considered 6 years ago. That was when she started university, in itself a massive step for someone who hadn't had the best of time at school nearly 15 years prior to this.
Tomorrow, after a lot of hard work, some squeaky bum times, some amazing times, and an understanding that to succeed you need to look forward and persevere, she begins her journey towards being a high school teacher. It's an incredible place for her to have ended and one she truly deserves.
Is it her destiny? Right now it is! But that's not to say she won't have another one, or that this is just another step on a path to something bigger.
I like to believe that we can turn all we experience into fuel for our destiny. You have one. And it could be amazing. The question is, do you have the courage to turn the engine on?
It's one of the most powerful driving forces we own yet so many of us ignore it, pretending it doesn't exist and allowing other people to define our opportunities to achieve it.
Destiny.
Just something for you to think about tonight.
Tomorrow my wife Sheena takes a first step on a path that we had never even considered 6 years ago. That was when she started university, in itself a massive step for someone who hadn't had the best of time at school nearly 15 years prior to this.
Tomorrow, after a lot of hard work, some squeaky bum times, some amazing times, and an understanding that to succeed you need to look forward and persevere, she begins her journey towards being a high school teacher. It's an incredible place for her to have ended and one she truly deserves.
Is it her destiny? Right now it is! But that's not to say she won't have another one, or that this is just another step on a path to something bigger.
I like to believe that we can turn all we experience into fuel for our destiny. You have one. And it could be amazing. The question is, do you have the courage to turn the engine on?
Thursday, 23 August 2012
Shadows of Happiness
Late Night Musing: Funny how happiness can sometimes catch you unaware, isn't it? Or is it that you've just not been noticing it as much recently?
Happiness is a bit like your shadow, it's always there, it never leaves you. It's there when the sun shines brightly and its there when it rains. It's just a question of whether you take the time to notice it or not.
Think that says it all really.
Brevity...what an unusual concept... ;)
Happiness is a bit like your shadow, it's always there, it never leaves you. It's there when the sun shines brightly and its there when it rains. It's just a question of whether you take the time to notice it or not.
Think that says it all really.
Brevity...what an unusual concept... ;)
Wednesday, 22 August 2012
Revenge of the assholes
There is an intriguing pattern that I watch people get into, I like to call them 'revenge circles'.
This is when 2 (or occasionally more) people end up using some sort of perceived injustice as an excuse to act like an asshole towards the other person in a bid to rebalance the universe and make it all alright again. The rationale tends to go along the lines of 'Well he/she did <perceived injustice> so I'll show them by <asshole behaviour>'.
Can I point out this asshole behaviour can include telling the other person exactly how much it hurt and making them grovel like a pig to make up for it.
Of course, what happens next is the cycle returns to the beginning as the mantle of 'asshole' is given to the other person. And so the cycle goes on. It can repeat for years and it has the ability to kill any relationship; romantic, business, friendship whatever.
The thing for people to notice is that revenge is never about the other person. It's about you. As an example try this on 'You made me feel small/insignificant/bad/sad/mad so now I'll make you feel small/insignificant/bad/sad/mad to make me feel better'. It's poisonous yet it's easily stopped.
Break the cycle. Just don't be an asshole! Tell it like it is but avoid point scoring. Be honest and truthful but don't belittle or jab at the person's ego.
Revenge is about you not them. Now it's up to you to do what you need to do. :)
This is when 2 (or occasionally more) people end up using some sort of perceived injustice as an excuse to act like an asshole towards the other person in a bid to rebalance the universe and make it all alright again. The rationale tends to go along the lines of 'Well he/she did <perceived injustice> so I'll show them by <asshole behaviour>'.
Can I point out this asshole behaviour can include telling the other person exactly how much it hurt and making them grovel like a pig to make up for it.
Of course, what happens next is the cycle returns to the beginning as the mantle of 'asshole' is given to the other person. And so the cycle goes on. It can repeat for years and it has the ability to kill any relationship; romantic, business, friendship whatever.
The thing for people to notice is that revenge is never about the other person. It's about you. As an example try this on 'You made me feel small/insignificant/bad/sad/mad so now I'll make you feel small/insignificant/bad/sad/mad to make me feel better'. It's poisonous yet it's easily stopped.
Break the cycle. Just don't be an asshole! Tell it like it is but avoid point scoring. Be honest and truthful but don't belittle or jab at the person's ego.
Revenge is about you not them. Now it's up to you to do what you need to do. :)
Tuesday, 21 August 2012
Alice's adventures in Enger-Land
Today I met my most experienced(!) client for the first time. At 79 years of age she takes the trophy by a good 5 years or so!
There were many amazing things about our meeting today (including her fantastically point blank refusal to accept that, at 79, she should just accept her recent anxiety and be happy with her lot).
But it was a little story she told me that made me think and I thought I'd share. We were talking about how she is also very computer literate and is a bit of a photo editing expert!
Anyway, in the 1950s she started work for the Royal Air something or other and was fortunate enough to be working on one of only 2 computers in the whole country. As she described it, this machine was the size of two decent living rooms (amazing to think I now carry something significantly more powerful in my pocket).
The computer used paper 'tape' full of holes to compute whatever it was computing using some very clever maths and some equally clever engineering. When the machine broke down, a door was opened and boffins walked inside to see what the issue was.
One day the machine broke down, wouldn't run the program it was meant to. No matter how many experts they brought in it still refused to work. Professor this and Doctor that were brought in to locate the problem. Nothing doing. The boss says to these guys 'give it to Alice, she'll sort it'.
Alice took the paper 'program' as her first port of call and ran it through her fingers. 5 minutes later she grabbed her pen and poked it through the paper 'program'. Next run through, worked perfectly. The 'program' was missing a hole. What the boffins didn't know was that Alice had learned to read the programs. Pretty god damn cool if you ask me.
When you keep on looking in the wrong place you'll never find a solution. Sometimes it pays to ask yourself what the simplest solution could be and do that first.
Hope you enjoyed Alice's story and my liberal use of the word 'boffins'. :)
There were many amazing things about our meeting today (including her fantastically point blank refusal to accept that, at 79, she should just accept her recent anxiety and be happy with her lot).
But it was a little story she told me that made me think and I thought I'd share. We were talking about how she is also very computer literate and is a bit of a photo editing expert!
Anyway, in the 1950s she started work for the Royal Air something or other and was fortunate enough to be working on one of only 2 computers in the whole country. As she described it, this machine was the size of two decent living rooms (amazing to think I now carry something significantly more powerful in my pocket).
The computer used paper 'tape' full of holes to compute whatever it was computing using some very clever maths and some equally clever engineering. When the machine broke down, a door was opened and boffins walked inside to see what the issue was.
One day the machine broke down, wouldn't run the program it was meant to. No matter how many experts they brought in it still refused to work. Professor this and Doctor that were brought in to locate the problem. Nothing doing. The boss says to these guys 'give it to Alice, she'll sort it'.
Alice took the paper 'program' as her first port of call and ran it through her fingers. 5 minutes later she grabbed her pen and poked it through the paper 'program'. Next run through, worked perfectly. The 'program' was missing a hole. What the boffins didn't know was that Alice had learned to read the programs. Pretty god damn cool if you ask me.
When you keep on looking in the wrong place you'll never find a solution. Sometimes it pays to ask yourself what the simplest solution could be and do that first.
Hope you enjoyed Alice's story and my liberal use of the word 'boffins'. :)
Monday, 20 August 2012
Who the hell are you?
What's your first answer to this question; Who are you?
This used to be the very first question of the BreakThrough Weekend and got some curious answers. I was out today doing a talk to some very lovely people and, as I came home, it popped into my head again. Who are you?
There are some typical answers to this question. Many people will answer with their job eg 'I'm a plumber' or whatever you do. But that's not who you are though, is it? That's what you do.
Some people will even answer with where they come from. But, again, that's not who you are. That's just where you come from.
Some people will tell you their ailments and illnesses eg 'I'm a sufferer'. But again that's not who you are. That's something you are feeling.
There are many other answers (I used to be able to pick out the people that had done personal development courses before because they would tell me they are 'the light of the universe' or 'a force of goodness and peace'!) but the interesting thing is what it does for us behaviourally.
People with similar identities tend to congregate. Football fans find each other don't they? People with similar music taste go to the same clubs, business people gather at networking events, people who believe they are overweight go to slimming clubs, the list goes on. It sounds like an 'of course they do Brian, where else would they go'. Well, loads of places! But they don't. There is a comfort in being with people who share your ideals, beliefs and ultimately identity. Yet the question is whether or not the identity you gain through the things you do is Positive or not? I'll leave that to you.
All I'll say is that your job, your football team, your music, your place of birth, your house or even your current illness do not define who you are. Whatever your answer to that question is, I promise you, you are much, much more than that. And when you look inside and think about it, you'll realise just how much more you are :)
Sweet dreams
This used to be the very first question of the BreakThrough Weekend and got some curious answers. I was out today doing a talk to some very lovely people and, as I came home, it popped into my head again. Who are you?
There are some typical answers to this question. Many people will answer with their job eg 'I'm a plumber' or whatever you do. But that's not who you are though, is it? That's what you do.
Some people will even answer with where they come from. But, again, that's not who you are. That's just where you come from.
Some people will tell you their ailments and illnesses eg 'I'm a
There are many other answers (I used to be able to pick out the people that had done personal development courses before because they would tell me they are 'the light of the universe' or 'a force of goodness and peace'!) but the interesting thing is what it does for us behaviourally.
People with similar identities tend to congregate. Football fans find each other don't they? People with similar music taste go to the same clubs, business people gather at networking events, people who believe they are overweight go to slimming clubs, the list goes on. It sounds like an 'of course they do Brian, where else would they go'. Well, loads of places! But they don't. There is a comfort in being with people who share your ideals, beliefs and ultimately identity. Yet the question is whether or not the identity you gain through the things you do is Positive or not? I'll leave that to you.
All I'll say is that your job, your football team, your music, your place of birth, your house or even your current illness do not define who you are. Whatever your answer to that question is, I promise you, you are much, much more than that. And when you look inside and think about it, you'll realise just how much more you are :)
Sweet dreams
Sunday, 19 August 2012
Guest Blog; What gets you out of bed in the morning?
Guest Blog Tonight: my friend and colleague Steve Burns writes tonight about getting out of bed in the morning. Enjoy :)...
Following our recent NLP Master Practitioner Course in Glasgow my fascination into how we are motivated to do the things we do was rekindled. Just how do you motivate yourself to get out of bed in the morning?
I mean, if you also have a memory foam mattress like me, you'll know just how cosy, warm and beautiful your sleeping palace can be...:-)
So how do you do it? Are you inspired & excited for the days plans, fearful & stressed that if you don't move soon then you won't have time to do what you feel you need to do? or maybe you juts kind of roll out, stumble into the shower and let the cold water do the job for you.
Of course when we zoom the camera back a bit we find a more important question at play...
In general, why do we do anything? What are you primary motivation strategies for getting things done?
Do you use the the anticipation of how good you're going to feel when you're done? Or perhaps you choose the gut wrenching fear of how bad you'll feel if you don't...Or maybe you're somewhere in between...
It's an important question when you think about it...Most of your day is taken up by 'doing stuff' so you might as well do it in a way where you get the greatest pleasure you can and the smallest amount of frustration.
I was told a story once about a foolish man and a wise man. On deciding to clean his closet for the first time in a year the foolish man opens the door, takes a look at the mass of disorganised clothes and random objects, instantly feels a pang of anxiety in the pit of his stomach but decides it's something he really should do. He proceeds to re-arrange his closet and, as he progresses through all the junk, the feeling of anxiety gets smaller and smaller until (once he has finished) the feeling has gone...
The wise man, however, had a different strategy...On opening the closet and seeing a similar scene of chaos he quickly projects himself into the future...and imagines what it's going to be like when he's finished...The time and place when the closet looks clean, organised and just the way he wants it...On feeling the good feeling this brings he starts the tidy...The closer he gets to this image the better he feels until he experiences the sense of satisfaction on completion...
Because when you get down to it there's always a way to do things that involves maximizing the pleasure and minimizing the stress...
So ask yourself the question, Why do I do what I do? Is it to mostly to avoid pain? or is it all about the pleasure? If it's the former then shifting this more towards noticing the pleasure could be one of the best things you've ever done...
Check out www.scottishcentreofnlp.com for details of where you can see Steve and I train together very soon indeed
Following our recent NLP Master Practitioner Course in Glasgow my fascination into how we are motivated to do the things we do was rekindled. Just how do you motivate yourself to get out of bed in the morning?
I mean, if you also have a memory foam mattress like me, you'll know just how cosy, warm and beautiful your sleeping palace can be...:-)
So how do you do it? Are you inspired & excited for the days plans, fearful & stressed that if you don't move soon then you won't have time to do what you feel you need to do? or maybe you juts kind of roll out, stumble into the shower and let the cold water do the job for you.
Of course when we zoom the camera back a bit we find a more important question at play...
In general, why do we do anything? What are you primary motivation strategies for getting things done?
Do you use the the anticipation of how good you're going to feel when you're done? Or perhaps you choose the gut wrenching fear of how bad you'll feel if you don't...Or maybe you're somewhere in between...
It's an important question when you think about it...Most of your day is taken up by 'doing stuff' so you might as well do it in a way where you get the greatest pleasure you can and the smallest amount of frustration.
I was told a story once about a foolish man and a wise man. On deciding to clean his closet for the first time in a year the foolish man opens the door, takes a look at the mass of disorganised clothes and random objects, instantly feels a pang of anxiety in the pit of his stomach but decides it's something he really should do. He proceeds to re-arrange his closet and, as he progresses through all the junk, the feeling of anxiety gets smaller and smaller until (once he has finished) the feeling has gone...
The wise man, however, had a different strategy...On opening the closet and seeing a similar scene of chaos he quickly projects himself into the future...and imagines what it's going to be like when he's finished...The time and place when the closet looks clean, organised and just the way he wants it...On feeling the good feeling this brings he starts the tidy...The closer he gets to this image the better he feels until he experiences the sense of satisfaction on completion...
Because when you get down to it there's always a way to do things that involves maximizing the pleasure and minimizing the stress...
So ask yourself the question, Why do I do what I do? Is it to mostly to avoid pain? or is it all about the pleasure? If it's the former then shifting this more towards noticing the pleasure could be one of the best things you've ever done...
Check out www.scottishcentreofnlp.com for details of where you can see Steve and I train together very soon indeed
Saturday, 18 August 2012
Canny decide...
Here's a thought I had today;
How old were you when you started making decisions for yourself?
How old were you when you stopped?
Think about it...
I'm thinking a few clients will be hearing this in the not too distant future :)
How old were you when you started making decisions for yourself?
How old were you when you stopped?
Think about it...
I'm thinking a few clients will be hearing this in the not too distant future :)
Friday, 17 August 2012
Big Plasma
Talking to a pal tonight and she said something interesting. She told me she didn't realise the Simpsons were yellow for years. My first thought about that is probably the same as yours to be honest but the reason surprised me. Up until 3 years ago she was still watching on an old black and white telly, she made the colours up. She got them wrong!
It's funny how when we're presented with an incomplete picture how we fill in the blanks and, most times, we fill the blanks with total bollocks!!
We just make it up! I mean sometimes we get it right but most times, because the only way we can fill the blanks is to use more incomplete information, we will always be slightly off.
How many colours have you made up in your head? Maybe it's time to look at some old shows through new eyes...
It's funny how when we're presented with an incomplete picture how we fill in the blanks and, most times, we fill the blanks with total bollocks!!
We just make it up! I mean sometimes we get it right but most times, because the only way we can fill the blanks is to use more incomplete information, we will always be slightly off.
How many colours have you made up in your head? Maybe it's time to look at some old shows through new eyes...
Thursday, 16 August 2012
Izzy Wizzy lets get busy
There is a concept in psychology called 'secondary gain'. Basically it means that the person is getting some sort of benefit from the problem they are trying to get rid of. It's a big thing in addictions. Think of how many smokers you know that want to give up but keep on smoking, standing outside offices and pubs hating their habit while indulging their habit. Can I add, this is true of all the folk addicted to food and all the other things we enjoy hiding in as well!
It's fascinating to think that the problem you have been trying to get rid of is actually still their because somewhere, deep in your unconscious, the problem is meeting a need. A need you may not even know you need!!
Maybe it makes you feel wanted, or special to be the way you are? Maybe it makes you feel safe or hidden? Maybe it simply makes you feel loved and wanted, one of our most primal needs. (I'm feeling deep tonight, can you tell?
Anyway, there is a couple of simple questions you can ask to have a wee explore of your unconscious and discover your deep needs. Ready to go mind blank for a few seconds? OK, here we go;
'Who are you without your problem?'...
'What is the purpose of your problem?'...(stick with this one past the first answer, which will likely be 'nothing' or 'pain')
The great thing is that, once you find it, it tends to go away and so does your problem. I mean like 'Abracadabra' going away so it's worth exploring.
Anyway, be honest with yourself and enjoy doing mind magic.
Remember...'Abracadabra'
It's fascinating to think that the problem you have been trying to get rid of is actually still their because somewhere, deep in your unconscious, the problem is meeting a need. A need you may not even know you need!!
Maybe it makes you feel wanted, or special to be the way you are? Maybe it makes you feel safe or hidden? Maybe it simply makes you feel loved and wanted, one of our most primal needs. (I'm feeling deep tonight, can you tell?
Anyway, there is a couple of simple questions you can ask to have a wee explore of your unconscious and discover your deep needs. Ready to go mind blank for a few seconds? OK, here we go;
'Who are you without your problem?'...
'What is the purpose of your problem?'...(stick with this one past the first answer, which will likely be 'nothing' or 'pain')
The great thing is that, once you find it, it tends to go away and so does your problem. I mean like 'Abracadabra' going away so it's worth exploring.
Anyway, be honest with yourself and enjoy doing mind magic.
Remember...'Abracadabra'
Sunday, 12 August 2012
What the hell do you do that for?
It's day 2 of our Master Practitioner of NLP course today and I thought for the next 4 nights I'd just share a short Master Prac Thought with you. Here's today's;
What is your purpose? What do you do it all for?
Sometimes just having a reason, a 'something' to aim for, makes everything simply make sense, doesn't it?
So, think about that thing you do and ask yourself, what is it that it gets you that, above everything else, makes you keep on doing it.
The answer may or may not surprise you :)
What is your purpose? What do you do it all for?
Sometimes just having a reason, a 'something' to aim for, makes everything simply make sense, doesn't it?
So, think about that thing you do and ask yourself, what is it that it gets you that, above everything else, makes you keep on doing it.
The answer may or may not surprise you :)
Thursday, 9 August 2012
You make me feel like dancing...
When you think about every relationship you have, romantic, family, work and all the others do you realise that, no matter how it may seem, that you have control over them all.
I often describe relationships like a dance. Every one is a set of steps where two people play their role, responding perfectly to whatever the other does eventually ending up in a whole range of beautifully choreographed set of trigger and response.
Think about it. Choose a close relationship that you are part of. I guarantee there are things they do that you will always respond to in a perfectly conditioned way (whether that's positive or negative is irrelevant!). There are ways they say your name, ways they look at you, ways they walk, talk, move and you respond the same way every single ruddy time. You have been choreographed. You are part of the dance.
The thing to realise is that a dance like this takes two people. You cannot waltz alone. And, whether you are the leader or follower, if you change your steps in this dance the simple fact is that the dance MUST change.
One of my favourite phrases is 'it's not them, it's you'. The dance will never change if you wait for the other person to lead. It's down to you.
So ask yourself, what's the step that takes your dance where you don't want it to go? What's that thing you do that takes the dance to that same ruddy place every ruddy time?
What would happen if you change it? What would happen if you stopped that 'step'? What would happen if you simply stopped accepting that the dance has to be danced the same way every single time.
Make the dance the dance you want to dance....wooft, try saying that 3 times quickly!!!
I often describe relationships like a dance. Every one is a set of steps where two people play their role, responding perfectly to whatever the other does eventually ending up in a whole range of beautifully choreographed set of trigger and response.
Think about it. Choose a close relationship that you are part of. I guarantee there are things they do that you will always respond to in a perfectly conditioned way (whether that's positive or negative is irrelevant!). There are ways they say your name, ways they look at you, ways they walk, talk, move and you respond the same way every single ruddy time. You have been choreographed. You are part of the dance.
The thing to realise is that a dance like this takes two people. You cannot waltz alone. And, whether you are the leader or follower, if you change your steps in this dance the simple fact is that the dance MUST change.
One of my favourite phrases is 'it's not them, it's you'. The dance will never change if you wait for the other person to lead. It's down to you.
So ask yourself, what's the step that takes your dance where you don't want it to go? What's that thing you do that takes the dance to that same ruddy place every ruddy time?
What would happen if you change it? What would happen if you stopped that 'step'? What would happen if you simply stopped accepting that the dance has to be danced the same way every single time.
Make the dance the dance you want to dance....wooft, try saying that 3 times quickly!!!
Wednesday, 8 August 2012
Oh crap, I've just discovered I don't exist
You know, your mind is a very, very amazing machine yet, at it's most basic level, it is nothing more than a bunch of chemicals and some electricity. I suppose that makes it even more amazing but you get what I mean!
Every thought you've ever had, every emotion you've ever felt, every sunset you've ever marvelled over, every incredible thing you've ever learned...nothing more than chemistry and electricity.
But we can go further than that. One of my favourite books is 'A short history of nearly everything' by Bill Bryson. In the book he has a short passage that basically says that if we could pick you apart atom by atom we would end up with a pile of atomic dust, none of which had ever been alive but, all the same, all of which had been you.
So what is life? How do we create it from this atomic dust, chemical soup and ability to generate electricity?
It's when we put all these things together that magic happens. It's when this atomic dust learns the exact chemical soup to conduct the perfect electric dance that somewhere inside it comes together into something we experience as an image. A representation of the experiences of our sensory cells translated from a cacophony of light, sound and electrical resistance.
This is our reality. And, when we learn that we are the machine, we can have control.
Now that I am this far into this post I've realised I've opened a can of worms bigger than one post! Woops!
So here's a wee temporary conclusion before we come back to it tomorrow - you are in charge of you. You are the machine. Put the right things in, get the right things out. So tonight and tomorrow, notice what happens if you take charge of your machine and only run pictures of what you want rather than what you don't.
You have been put in charge of some remarkable machinery. You owe it to yourself to drive it with care and precision :)
Every thought you've ever had, every emotion you've ever felt, every sunset you've ever marvelled over, every incredible thing you've ever learned...nothing more than chemistry and electricity.
But we can go further than that. One of my favourite books is 'A short history of nearly everything' by Bill Bryson. In the book he has a short passage that basically says that if we could pick you apart atom by atom we would end up with a pile of atomic dust, none of which had ever been alive but, all the same, all of which had been you.
So what is life? How do we create it from this atomic dust, chemical soup and ability to generate electricity?
It's when we put all these things together that magic happens. It's when this atomic dust learns the exact chemical soup to conduct the perfect electric dance that somewhere inside it comes together into something we experience as an image. A representation of the experiences of our sensory cells translated from a cacophony of light, sound and electrical resistance.
This is our reality. And, when we learn that we are the machine, we can have control.
Now that I am this far into this post I've realised I've opened a can of worms bigger than one post! Woops!
So here's a wee temporary conclusion before we come back to it tomorrow - you are in charge of you. You are the machine. Put the right things in, get the right things out. So tonight and tomorrow, notice what happens if you take charge of your machine and only run pictures of what you want rather than what you don't.
You have been put in charge of some remarkable machinery. You owe it to yourself to drive it with care and precision :)
Tuesday, 7 August 2012
Holding and Feeling....
Tiny Tuesday Treat: What's your next ambition? What do you want to achieve?
Take some time just now and, even if your watching telly or having your tea, just let it muse through your head. Give it detail and really consider it. Do it for as long as you can...then ask yourself -
How long did you last before you let the vision fade?
The longer you can hold your dreams as reality in your head the more likely you are to be able to do what you need to make them happen. Your responds to your dreams with emotion and emotion is the fuel for your success.
Allow yourself to feel your dreams. Never hide from your own ambition.
Take some time just now and, even if your watching telly or having your tea, just let it muse through your head. Give it detail and really consider it. Do it for as long as you can...then ask yourself -
How long did you last before you let the vision fade?
The longer you can hold your dreams as reality in your head the more likely you are to be able to do what you need to make them happen. Your responds to your dreams with emotion and emotion is the fuel for your success.
Allow yourself to feel your dreams. Never hide from your own ambition.
Monday, 6 August 2012
Your a feckin Champion, you know that?
Is there a success virus do you think? Watching the Olympics over the last 10 days or so, it seems like, for Team GB anyway, that success has become infectious. Spreading from one member of the team to the next, giving people hope, encouragement and an extra push when it matters.
Success does that. I remember in a previous 'life' (when I had a 'proper' job!) working for one of the UKs biggest banks and financial institutions when that success was infecting the whole country. We called the infection the dot.com boom. It felt like everyone was financially invincible. Put money here, make a packet quickly, get out while the going is good. It didn't last.
A company called LastMinute.com came along. The news showed clips of desperate people running trying to get their applications in just before it closed, it was going to be amazing. They were all going to be rich by the next week. Sadly, LastMinute.com launched at 8am and by 10am had started to fall. It never recovered and, 12 years later, has never reached its opening share price.
This is when people are tested. Not when success is there, but when success stops.
It's all natural law, what goes up must come down, nothing is constant, entropy. But it is when this happens that the truly successful set themselves apart. The strongest system, survives. The strongest genes, survive. The strongest company, survives. The strongest people, survive.
When all the success is gone amd the pushing and encouragement stops there is an important thought. Success is temporary, but so is the lack of it. It's time for evolution not panic or fear.
Stock markets go up and down. It's the nature of the machine. But it will survive because some people will never, ever give up.
The Olympic glow will pass, some people will decide they will never succeed but the strongest and most committed will be back and be champions. Why? Because they will never, ever give up.
In your life, whatever it is that is happening for you now will pass (ups or downs). Your success or lack of it is temporary and you can either face it like a champion or this can be your LastMinute.
Never, ever give up. Be infected and stay infected by success.
Success does that. I remember in a previous 'life' (when I had a 'proper' job!) working for one of the UKs biggest banks and financial institutions when that success was infecting the whole country. We called the infection the dot.com boom. It felt like everyone was financially invincible. Put money here, make a packet quickly, get out while the going is good. It didn't last.
A company called LastMinute.com came along. The news showed clips of desperate people running trying to get their applications in just before it closed, it was going to be amazing. They were all going to be rich by the next week. Sadly, LastMinute.com launched at 8am and by 10am had started to fall. It never recovered and, 12 years later, has never reached its opening share price.
This is when people are tested. Not when success is there, but when success stops.
It's all natural law, what goes up must come down, nothing is constant, entropy. But it is when this happens that the truly successful set themselves apart. The strongest system, survives. The strongest genes, survive. The strongest company, survives. The strongest people, survive.
When all the success is gone amd the pushing and encouragement stops there is an important thought. Success is temporary, but so is the lack of it. It's time for evolution not panic or fear.
Stock markets go up and down. It's the nature of the machine. But it will survive because some people will never, ever give up.
The Olympic glow will pass, some people will decide they will never succeed but the strongest and most committed will be back and be champions. Why? Because they will never, ever give up.
In your life, whatever it is that is happening for you now will pass (ups or downs). Your success or lack of it is temporary and you can either face it like a champion or this can be your LastMinute.
Never, ever give up. Be infected and stay infected by success.
Sunday, 5 August 2012
I want to BreakThrough...
When you were young did you envisage that you would be where you are now? Did you think you would have the relationships, money, circumstances, opportunities and life that you have created for yourself?
When you think about it, everyone's has something. Something more they want to do, somewhere amazing they haven't been yet, something special they have still to achieve. So now is the time to get that something...
The BreakThrough Weekend has helped hundreds of people achieve their dreams by showing them h
When you think about it, everyone's has something. Something more they want to do, somewhere amazing they haven't been yet, something special they have still to achieve. So now is the time to get that something...
The BreakThrough Weekend has helped hundreds of people achieve their dreams by showing them h
ow to take control, believe in their own ability and take their attitude and focus to the next level. What could you do with your life if you knew how to? What are you capable of that you haven't done yet.
BreakThrough Weekend is a life changing 2-days. It is the beginning of many special things and you can be part of it. You will leave this course and enter a new life, a life where you are in control.
The next BreakThrough Weekend is being held in Glasgow on September 15 & 16th and is STILL only £80 for the whole weekend. You can book now. Just click here and you've made a massive step towards getting what you want Www.headstrongnlp.com/breakthrough
All that is needed just now is a small £20 deposit and you will be there. You are the most important thing in your life. You owe it to yourself to put everything you can into having the life you want.
I hope you can make it
Brian
PS cos a lot of people ask, there is no need to speak out or share anything you would rather not. The only person that needs to know why you are there is you :)
BreakThrough Weekend is a life changing 2-days. It is the beginning of many special things and you can be part of it. You will leave this course and enter a new life, a life where you are in control.
The next BreakThrough Weekend is being held in Glasgow on September 15 & 16th and is STILL only £80 for the whole weekend. You can book now. Just click here and you've made a massive step towards getting what you want Www.headstrongnlp.com/
All that is needed just now is a small £20 deposit and you will be there. You are the most important thing in your life. You owe it to yourself to put everything you can into having the life you want.
I hope you can make it
Brian
PS cos a lot of people ask, there is no need to speak out or share anything you would rather not. The only person that needs to know why you are there is you :)
Thursday, 2 August 2012
Quick Progress Update
Wee quickie: Progress, how do you know you've made it?
I meet a lot of people who tell me how stuck they are yet, when they tell me the things they have done, you find out they are amazing. One of the problems, in my opinion, is how stuck people gauge their personal progress.
So here's a wee thing; think about yourself a year ago. Think about who you were, where your life was, what you knew and what you were doing. Now ask yourself, how has the 'now' you progressed from the 'then' you?
Now, think about yourself three years ago and ask the same questions.
Keep going if you want to really become amazed at yourself. You ten years ago and you now are very different people I bet!
You've never stopped progressing. Every day you become more special. You should just accept how special you are :)
I meet a lot of people who tell me how stuck they are yet, when they tell me the things they have done, you find out they are amazing. One of the problems, in my opinion, is how stuck people gauge their personal progress.
So here's a wee thing; think about yourself a year ago. Think about who you were, where your life was, what you knew and what you were doing. Now ask yourself, how has the 'now' you progressed from the 'then' you?
Now, think about yourself three years ago and ask the same questions.
Keep going if you want to really become amazed at yourself. You ten years ago and you now are very different people I bet!
You've never stopped progressing. Every day you become more special. You should just accept how special you are :)
Wednesday, 1 August 2012
Ah jaysus, I'm on fire!
When was the last time you felt a spark? You know those moments when, from somewhere, something begins. It can be something sparking inside you or maybe it's a spark that jumps between you and someone else, but you know the feeling I'm talking about. Think, when was the last time you felt it?
I've wondered how cool it would be to bottle 'spark'! What would you do with it if you got it?
The interesting thing is that, scientifically speaking, sparks require polarity, positive and negative. That's something we all accept.
So why in life do positive and negative not create sparks. In fact, they tend to repel each other and attract themselves. It contravenes every law of physics we know! In some cases it does work, for example the spark between masculine and feminine, but what is it we have to do to create a spark within ourselves?
I don't necessarily have the 'right' answer (although I'm intrigued to know if you have thoughts) but here's a thought. When I speak, coach and train I often feel the spark between me and the people I am talking to. It's a tangible energy that builds up between us and often starts a fire that keeps on burning long after we have done what we came to do (and can I pop in here that it burns in us all, including me). So what if a spark isn't a spark caused by polarity, what if it is a spark of pure energy?
Given enough energy you can ignite anything but to really catch it needs two things persistence and focus. It's the life equivalent of sunshine and a magnifying glass. So here's a wee thought for you tonight, what is it that you want so much that when you think about it you feel that spark do everything it can to ignite. Think about it and feel it. But this time, just for 5 minutes, don't ignore it. Don't run from it. Don't extinguish it. Focus everything you have on it. Dream it, feel it, imagine it, live it. Feel that spark turn into a small flame and allow it to begin burning. When it is, go to sleep and allow it to really catch overnight so that when you wake tomorrow, you're on fire.
"It only takes one tree to make a thousand matches, only takes one match to burn a thousand trees"
I've wondered how cool it would be to bottle 'spark'! What would you do with it if you got it?
The interesting thing is that, scientifically speaking, sparks require polarity, positive and negative. That's something we all accept.
So why in life do positive and negative not create sparks. In fact, they tend to repel each other and attract themselves. It contravenes every law of physics we know! In some cases it does work, for example the spark between masculine and feminine, but what is it we have to do to create a spark within ourselves?
I don't necessarily have the 'right' answer (although I'm intrigued to know if you have thoughts) but here's a thought. When I speak, coach and train I often feel the spark between me and the people I am talking to. It's a tangible energy that builds up between us and often starts a fire that keeps on burning long after we have done what we came to do (and can I pop in here that it burns in us all, including me). So what if a spark isn't a spark caused by polarity, what if it is a spark of pure energy?
Given enough energy you can ignite anything but to really catch it needs two things persistence and focus. It's the life equivalent of sunshine and a magnifying glass. So here's a wee thought for you tonight, what is it that you want so much that when you think about it you feel that spark do everything it can to ignite. Think about it and feel it. But this time, just for 5 minutes, don't ignore it. Don't run from it. Don't extinguish it. Focus everything you have on it. Dream it, feel it, imagine it, live it. Feel that spark turn into a small flame and allow it to begin burning. When it is, go to sleep and allow it to really catch overnight so that when you wake tomorrow, you're on fire.
"It only takes one tree to make a thousand matches, only takes one match to burn a thousand trees"
Tuesday, 31 July 2012
Accepting being awesome
How are you with compliments? Can you accept them or do you do that thing where you feel duty bound to reject them by qualifying them with some balancing statement (e.g. 'you look great!' 'oh no, this is just something I threw on and my hair's not been washed in days')?
If I could do one thing to change the world it would be to teach everyone how to accept a compliment with gratitude. It could transform everything! Imagine a world where everyone could accept that someone else has something nice to say to them? How crazy would that be?
There is a perfectly good reason for not being able to accept a compliment. It's so that you can maintain your crappy view of yourself inside your head. Simple as that. The rejection of a compliment is a perfect example of your mind's ability to ignore anything it feels conflicts with your established view of the world. Does that make sense?
You believe the world is flat. Someone says the world is round. If your belief system is strong enough, your mind can, and more than likely will, simply reject that reality. It does it all the time.
So, if you find you can't accept a compliment, what is it that you believe about yourself that is so powerful that prevents you accepting, whole heartedly, that you are amazing, beautiful, perfect and, above all, a kick ass person to know? And why the hell would you believe that about yourself?!
It's time to accept that you are amazing, beautiful, perfect and, above all, a kick ass person to know. So from now on I want to give you the special compliment mantra. This is the important phrase you will say from now on every time someone says something nice to you. It's really important so you might want to write it down. Ready? The phrase is...'Thank You'
Do it. Every time. It will make you feel amazing. Ready for practice...
You are amazing, beautiful, perfect and, above all, a kick ass person to know. Your response?
Monday, 30 July 2012
Too right you should be frustrated...
So, there I was tonight sitting in a relatively major traffic jam, listening to the Olympics and relaxing. I had nowhere to be so the easiest thing to do is just to chill out, isn't it? I have 20 minutes where I can be and will be nowhere else, so why stress?
That got me thinking.
I was watching the cars that seem to be really, really eager to get nowhere; pushing up behind the car in front. Filling gaps of a few metres with misplaced haste as if them filling the gap makes the queue move quicker. And I asked myself the question "why is it people get so frustrated when they have a perfect chance to do nothing yet do nothing when they have every chance to do something?". It sounds complex but I don't think it is. I think it's really simple.
Pictures. It's all a matter of pictures.
When people sit in traffic jams, they have a clear picture of where they want to be playing inside their heads. The gap between sitting in the jam and that picture of where they should/want to be causes the frustration. Take the phrase 'I've got better places to be than sitting in this bloody traffic' as an example.
So why don't we do that in our lives? Why don't you try running a picture of a fitter, healthier, happier you inside your head and run it sooooo vividly that the fact you aren't there already causes you so much frustration you would do anything to be there now? Why is it that we use all our mind's incredible resources on traffic jams and so little on making ourselves who we want to be?
Run the picture now. Be frustrated at the fact you aren't there already. Promise yourself that yo are going to use that frustration as fuel to close the gap, to drive up the arse of the things you don't want until they get out of your bloody way and you can get to where you want to be instead.
Vroom, vroom, people! You've got better places to be than where you are :)
That got me thinking.
I was watching the cars that seem to be really, really eager to get nowhere; pushing up behind the car in front. Filling gaps of a few metres with misplaced haste as if them filling the gap makes the queue move quicker. And I asked myself the question "why is it people get so frustrated when they have a perfect chance to do nothing yet do nothing when they have every chance to do something?". It sounds complex but I don't think it is. I think it's really simple.
Pictures. It's all a matter of pictures.
When people sit in traffic jams, they have a clear picture of where they want to be playing inside their heads. The gap between sitting in the jam and that picture of where they should/want to be causes the frustration. Take the phrase 'I've got better places to be than sitting in this bloody traffic' as an example.
So why don't we do that in our lives? Why don't you try running a picture of a fitter, healthier, happier you inside your head and run it sooooo vividly that the fact you aren't there already causes you so much frustration you would do anything to be there now? Why is it that we use all our mind's incredible resources on traffic jams and so little on making ourselves who we want to be?
Run the picture now. Be frustrated at the fact you aren't there already. Promise yourself that yo are going to use that frustration as fuel to close the gap, to drive up the arse of the things you don't want until they get out of your bloody way and you can get to where you want to be instead.
Vroom, vroom, people! You've got better places to be than where you are :)
Friday, 27 July 2012
Walking away from assholes...
A mate of mine said something to me a couple of weeks ago that really has resonated with me and I hope it resonates with you too.
"Life gets easier when you start letting them away with it"
It's an interesting thought isn't it? How much easier would your life be if you just simply let 'them' away with 'it'? I mean, if you were to stop taking things personally, seeing every comment or misdemeanour as a personal attack, can you imagine how much head space that would free up?!
For many people the initial reaction is to say "yeah, but..." followed by many reasons why they shouldn't let particular people away with what they have 'done' to them. But that proves the point does it not? Would that energy not be better spent elsewhere? What did the 'yeah, but...' get you? Correct. It got you piss all!!
The secret to making this work is understanding that it is your choice to either surround yourself with people that nourish you, support you and love you or to surround yourself with assholes. When assholes are assholes, you are entitled to let them away with their assholeness and then walk away. Don't take it personally but don't take it either.
Life is easier when you start letting them away with it. Nothing is personal. You have the choice
"Life gets easier when you start letting them away with it"
It's an interesting thought isn't it? How much easier would your life be if you just simply let 'them' away with 'it'? I mean, if you were to stop taking things personally, seeing every comment or misdemeanour as a personal attack, can you imagine how much head space that would free up?!
For many people the initial reaction is to say "yeah, but..." followed by many reasons why they shouldn't let particular people away with what they have 'done' to them. But that proves the point does it not? Would that energy not be better spent elsewhere? What did the 'yeah, but...' get you? Correct. It got you piss all!!
The secret to making this work is understanding that it is your choice to either surround yourself with people that nourish you, support you and love you or to surround yourself with assholes. When assholes are assholes, you are entitled to let them away with their assholeness and then walk away. Don't take it personally but don't take it either.
Life is easier when you start letting them away with it. Nothing is personal. You have the choice
What's not the problem?
Super Late Night Question (which most people will see in the morning)*: one question, one question only - ask yourself now, what is it that you either haven't done or aren't doing to keep that thing you want to change from changing?
Take your time...
*its too late to think up a catchy title. Consider it a work in progress!
Take your time...
*its too late to think up a catchy title. Consider it a work in progress!
Wednesday, 25 July 2012
It's like the theory of the möbius...
Late night musing: are you stressed? If you would class yourself as someone who is stressed, how much stress is the fact that you are stressed causing you? Mental isn't it? It's perpetual e-motion!
It's interesting how many times you find that trying to avoid the emotion you are trying to avoid is causing the emotion you are trying to avoid (read it again, I promise it makes sense!). Anxiety about anxiety, anger about anger, sadness about sadness...the list goes on.
How to break it? Many ways but here's two simple tips. First, realise the futility of it and think about how ridiculous it is that you are caught in this emotional loop, then take charge of it (not control, charge) and focus on what you would like instead and ONLY on what you would like instead. See how it changes the way you feel.
Loops. It's like the theory of the möbius...
It's interesting how many times you find that trying to avoid the emotion you are trying to avoid is causing the emotion you are trying to avoid (read it again, I promise it makes sense!). Anxiety about anxiety, anger about anger, sadness about sadness...the list goes on.
How to break it? Many ways but here's two simple tips. First, realise the futility of it and think about how ridiculous it is that you are caught in this emotional loop, then take charge of it (not control, charge) and focus on what you would like instead and ONLY on what you would like instead. See how it changes the way you feel.
Loops. It's like the theory of the möbius...
Monday, 16 July 2012
Getting out of your head...
Post holiday quickie - how long do you spend in your own head? We can get into a habit of living in everyone else's mind, wondering what they think of us, have we pleased them, do they find us attractive, are we doing the right thing by them? So many questions.
Yet, do you like the answers?
The only head that matters is yours. Yes, it's cool to spend a little time in someone else's head to work out how you can change but that's it. You have the answers to your questions. You need to be open and live YOUR life the way you want to live it. The people that are meant to be with you, will come with you.
Worrying about what other people think only leads to hurt, suspicion and acting on false information that essentially you have made up!
Trust yourself, live the life you want, make decisions that make you happy first.
Yet, do you like the answers?
The only head that matters is yours. Yes, it's cool to spend a little time in someone else's head to work out how you can change but that's it. You have the answers to your questions. You need to be open and live YOUR life the way you want to live it. The people that are meant to be with you, will come with you.
Worrying about what other people think only leads to hurt, suspicion and acting on false information that essentially you have made up!
Trust yourself, live the life you want, make decisions that make you happy first.
Friday, 13 July 2012
7 Rules of Life - A week of Learning ends
7 Rules of Life - A week of Learning ends
This last week I've taken you through what I believe these 7 principles of life can teach us. Here's a quick reminder of all 7 -
1. The world is what you think it is
2. There are no limits
3. Energy flows where attention goes
4. NOW is the moment of power
5. To Love is to be happy with
6. All power comes from within
7. Effectiveness is the measure of truth
I wish I could claim these as my own but they were written by a superb writer called Serge Kahili King. I recommend you go and check out some of his books, no matter what your belief system.
Anyway, I hope they have made you think and here's one final thought for you -
Enjoying them is not enough. Reading the book is not enough. Clicking Like on a Facebook post is not enough. The only thing that is going to give you the life you want is action.
You need to take all the things you have learned and put them into action NOW. You have to believe you have that power, you have to understand that the way you see the world is in your control and that you have no limitations apart from the ones you set on yourself. You have to start loving yourself and taking care of YOU and do it TODAY, you have the ability to do it and to deny that power is to give your life away. Be honest about your level of happiness, be open and free and focus on what you want.
This is your one shot at this. There are many people who understand their destiny is waiting to be grasped and owned....are you one of them?
For the last time this week, Aloha
See you again tomorrow. Have a fab Friday night :)
Thursday, 12 July 2012
7 Rules of Life - 7. Effectiveness is the measure of truth
7 Rules of Life - 7. Effectiveness is the measure of truth
One of my favourite phrases on all my trainings is one that, I must admit, I nicked from Tony Robbins. It really resonated with me when I first went to see Tony live and he explained it. The phrase?
'The truth will set you Free'
It is an exceptionally powerful statement yet one that is not always easy to live by.
In truth we find what works and what doesn't (in other words, what's effective and what isn't) because when we are true to ourselves and our lives then we have nothing to hide, does that make sense?
Let me put it another way, when we bluff and bullsh1t, we end up doing things that don't work for us. we end up in relationships that are dysfunctional, we end up in jobs we actively dislike, we poison our minds and bodies and the more we do it the more we end up needing to bluff and bullsh1t to hide the mistakes we don't want anyone to realise we are making.
When we are true, when we are honest, when we are ourselves we admit to our mistakes. We accept that we are fallible and open our minds to change. We become effective in every area of our lives because we understand that we aren't always effective in every area of our lives!! I'm going to nick another quote from Robbins here, Good decisions come from good judgement, good judgement comes from experience, experience comes from making bad decisions.
Do a quick diagnostic of your life...where are you at your most effective? And how much do you feel like yourself when you do that thing? It's so obvious. So why don't you live the rest of your life like that?
Tomorrow is Friday, so here's a task. Live tomorrow and the weekend being honest with yourself about what works and what doesn't.
I promise, I know it might be scary, but the truth will set you free...
Wednesday, 11 July 2012
7 Rules of Life - 6. All power comes from within
7 Rules of Life - 6. All power comes from within
When I coach people I am always very aware of one change, that any change that occurs for that person is 100% down to them. I have merely been a witness and a guide to help them find the places they already possessed to empower them to make the change.
That might sound a bit bizarre to anyone that puts their faith in a specific guru or expert or attributes change to some magic touch they received but I promise you that you made the change yourself.
I am privileged and honoured to be the guide for so many people and many people who I have helped through courses and privately have expressed their gratitude for any help I have given them. I thank you if you are one of them however I didn't make the change, YOU DID!
You see, everything you have ever done and accomplished is because of you. You probably don't even realise just how much you are capable of but, and I promise this is true, if you just went for your dreams with 100% conviction and refused, point blank refused, to stop until you got everything you wanted, guess what? You'd have everything you wanted!
But so few of us do that. We give away our power, becoming martyrs and victims of our own crappy circumstances. We believe we have no power and we end up stagnant or potentially we even end up going backwards, running from life like it is some scary zombie that refuses to be baseball batted into submission (scary, life zombies...now there's a metaphor!).
We have unlimited power when we choose to use it. There have been times in your life when you have went deep and managed to find that extra ounce of energy, that little push when you needed it most, that moment of clarity amidst chaos. This is your power. You own it.
If you just chose to really use your incredible power, just what amazing things would you be capable of?
Or is it easier to sit on your ass, do piss all and pretend you don't have any?
Your move...
Tuesday, 10 July 2012
7 Rules of Life - 5. To Love is to be happy with
7 Rules of Life - 5. To Love is to be happy with
Let's boil life down to it's most simple form. Everything you do and everything you don't do is governed by 2 simple forces, Pleasure and Pain. It is as simple as that.
These two forces guide our lives every day pushing us away from the painful and, technically speaking, towards the pleasurable. But that's not really how it happens is it?
For many of us what happens is we are pushed away from the really painful towards the slightly less painful. The pleasure aspect never really comes into it. Our lives become a dizzying cycle of running away hoping that some day our white knight on his majestic steed will ride in and save the day (or, for the blokes, we'll just find the answer and be able to fix it and everything will seem ok again!).
The thing is this whole cycle has a simple solution. And it starts with you. Are you ready? Really ready?
To find true happiness you must begin with yourself. The endless search for the solution or the white knight is a signal to your own heart that you don't actually believe enough in yourself to pick yourself up and fight for your own life. You can't even love yourself, how can you expect anyone else to?
Love is the root of all happiness. When you can truly look yourself in the mirror and respect and love yourself you have the key to happiness. It doesn't need any magic book, any learned guru, any life changing course...it just needs you to look in the mirror, accept yourself totally for who you are, where you are and what you are doing and think, to yourself, those 3 words...I LOVE YOU.
The moment you say that, and really, really mean it, you have found happiness my friend. Go practise. If you leak from your eyes the first couple of times that's ok!! You'll get used to it by Thursday :)
Let's boil life down to it's most simple form. Everything you do and everything you don't do is governed by 2 simple forces, Pleasure and Pain. It is as simple as that.
These two forces guide our lives every day pushing us away from the painful and, technically speaking, towards the pleasurable. But that's not really how it happens is it?
For many of us what happens is we are pushed away from the really painful towards the slightly less painful. The pleasure aspect never really comes into it. Our lives become a dizzying cycle of running away hoping that some day our white knight on his majestic steed will ride in and save the day (or, for the blokes, we'll just find the answer and be able to fix it and everything will seem ok again!).
The thing is this whole cycle has a simple solution. And it starts with you. Are you ready? Really ready?
To find true happiness you must begin with yourself. The endless search for the solution or the white knight is a signal to your own heart that you don't actually believe enough in yourself to pick yourself up and fight for your own life. You can't even love yourself, how can you expect anyone else to?
Love is the root of all happiness. When you can truly look yourself in the mirror and respect and love yourself you have the key to happiness. It doesn't need any magic book, any learned guru, any life changing course...it just needs you to look in the mirror, accept yourself totally for who you are, where you are and what you are doing and think, to yourself, those 3 words...I LOVE YOU.
The moment you say that, and really, really mean it, you have found happiness my friend. Go practise. If you leak from your eyes the first couple of times that's ok!! You'll get used to it by Thursday :)
Monday, 9 July 2012
7 Rules of Life - 4. NOW is the moment of power
7 Rules of Life - 4. NOW is the moment of power
Where have you just been? And what is about to happen next? And, mind bending time again, are either of the answers you just gave to those questions real?
The answer is no, by the way.
The past is now just a memory. A moment in time that only you experienced. There may have been other people with you but none of them will have experienced that moment, or that moment, or that moment, or (this could go on for a long time so I'm going to stop)...in the way you just did. It was a truly unique moment of time, experienced in a way no one ever has before and no one ever will again.
The future is a fantasy. A guess on your best knowledge of what you can see, hear, feel and know about yourself. But it isn't real. If you really wanted to, you could run out of your house naked and run around the street proclaiming your love for Doctor Who. You probably won't but it is an option ( if you do, grab a video and post it. That sounds funny!). And that's the thing about the future, it isn't defined until you choose what to do next. And when do you choose..?
Now. Now is when you choose.
Every second has a myriad choices available. You can choose left or right, good or bad, now or later, him or her, yes or no, fight or flight, stick or twist.
Now. Now is when you choose.
So what do you choose to do? Your life depends on your answer....
Where have you just been? And what is about to happen next? And, mind bending time again, are either of the answers you just gave to those questions real?
The answer is no, by the way.
The past is now just a memory. A moment in time that only you experienced. There may have been other people with you but none of them will have experienced that moment, or that moment, or that moment, or (this could go on for a long time so I'm going to stop)...in the way you just did. It was a truly unique moment of time, experienced in a way no one ever has before and no one ever will again.
The future is a fantasy. A guess on your best knowledge of what you can see, hear, feel and know about yourself. But it isn't real. If you really wanted to, you could run out of your house naked and run around the street proclaiming your love for Doctor Who. You probably won't but it is an option ( if you do, grab a video and post it. That sounds funny!). And that's the thing about the future, it isn't defined until you choose what to do next. And when do you choose..?
Now. Now is when you choose.
Every second has a myriad choices available. You can choose left or right, good or bad, now or later, him or her, yes or no, fight or flight, stick or twist.
Now. Now is when you choose.
So what do you choose to do? Your life depends on your answer....
Sunday, 8 July 2012
7 Rules of Life - 3. Energy goes where attention goes
7 Rules of Life - 3. Energy goes where attention goes
How are you tonight? Good? Or not?
The answer to that question will tell you where your internal focus is pointing.
If it points towards being back at work tomorrow, your packed inbox and the multitude of phone calls you have to make then, guess what, you'll get to feel stressed and possibly even anxious.
If it points towards these precious moments with family, friends or just you being you then you'll get to feel good, loved perhaps, possible even content and happy.
The only difference is focus.
Too many people spend hours, days, weeks, years, even lifetimes focusing all our attention on what we don't want. It's ruddy bonkers!! Stop it!! Why would you waste your energy and thought on what you don't want? Have you not realised that it isn't free? It costs you, every time you do it. It costs you time, energy and saps you. Do you sleep properly? If not, what is the thought(s) that keep you awake? Bet you it's lots of thoughts about what you don't want.
I'm into energy investment.
When you focus on what you want, when you focus on the people that love you, the things you have achieved, the things you will achieve, the dreams you have and the joy of a future that you are in control of not only does it not cost you anything but you also get interest on every ounce of energy you invest. It just keeps on coming.
You give power to your emotions by directing thought towards them. Which ones are you empowering?
Aloha
Saturday, 7 July 2012
7 Rules of Life - 2. There are no limits
7 Rules of Life - 2. There are no limits
When I do my training courses (BreakThrough Weekend in Glasgow September 15 & 16th, thanks for asking!!) I often say a line I do everything I can to live by...
THERE ARE NO RULES
It's the unconscious rules we set ourselves that define our limits, when we discard our rules - none of which are real - that we lose our personal limitations.
Think about it, how many times do you say 'I should...' or 'I need to...' or even 'I can't...' or 'I shouldn't...'? These little gems give away our rules and limits on our lives.
You need to realise that the only person that has ever set limits on how you live your life is you. No one else.
What the hell do you do that for?!!
Realise that this is your one shot. I'm not saying you should be out there bungee jumping from bridges and inventing submarines, I'm just saying that in your life just now you know that you are not doing things you wish you were. Maybe now is the time to just go do it?
Why wouldn't you?
Aloha
Friday, 6 July 2012
7 Rules of Life - 1. The World is what you think it is
7 Rules of Life - 1. The World is what you think it is
Every minute of every day we filter the world through everything we have ever learned and experienced. Every single second you have been alive has contributed to the way you experience your life today.
For example, if you grew up in a world of red, blue would seem amazing while orange may appear not quite right. I know it's a crazy example but I hope it makes sense!
At no point in your life will you ever interact with the 'real' world. Everything, and I mean EVERYTHING, you experience is filtered by you. Here's a mind blower, you are that unique that not one person ever in history has experienced this moment before and no one will ever experience it ever again. This moment, right now is unique. What have you done with it?!
Your expectations of life, the world and everything are defined by your internal experience. If you think work is going to be hell, it probably will be. If you think your boss is an ass, it doesn't matter what they do you will see them as an ass. If you believe you are not good enough you will find your evidence to support that and you'll get to be right, congratulations!
Your thoughts are powerful. How would your world change if you believed you are capable of anything? How would you change you if you trusted that the opportunity to live your dream will present itself?
The world is exactly what you think it is because your thoughts are your world. The second you realise that is the second you take power over your life.
Aloha
Wednesday, 4 July 2012
This late? On a school night?
Late Night Musing; the Hawaiians had a phrase that went a bit like this - A'ole pau ka 'ike i ka halau ho'okahi
It's a fabulous phrase, isn't it? :)
OK, of course I'm going to tell you what it means; roughly translated it means 'think not that all knowledge comes from one school'
It's easy to become transfixed, captured by a thought or a method but it's very important to understand that no matter how much you know, you can never know everything.
You are only an expert in what you know now and to believe that what you know now is the only way or the truth is a fallacy.
We learn so much when we step outside what we think we know and try something new or adventurous. When was the last time you did that?
Monday, 2 July 2012
Hypnotic Dickens
You know I do hypnosis right? Well, you do now! I do loads of other things aside from that but I'm fascinated and enthralled by the unconscious and its capability for producing change.
Anyway, I invented this cool Dickens-esque hypnotic induction the other day and I thought I'd share the concept with you tonight so that tonight...as you dream...or perhaps before...you can travel to somewhere inside to find something. I dunno what. Just something...
So, as you go to sleep...whether that be now or later, imagine you get to meet 3 'people' inside your own head. For the purposes of this exercise, you have 90 seconds with each of them -
1 - a you from the past. The one that hurts the most. What is the thing you say to them now, the thing they need to hear most, that heals them completely? "Everything is going to be OK.", "I love you", "I believe in you" or something else. 90 seconds...
2 - a you that lives perpetually 5 seconds ahead of you, choosing the best path for you. What is the thing you say to help them always know what path to choose to best help you achieve everything you want? How do you help them direct you toward your life's true purpose? 90 seconds...
3 - The deepest you - the true you of right here, right now. Your heart, your soul, the you that you always wanted to be. What is it that you want to HEAR from them? What is it that they could say to you that would unlock you from your faces and allow you to be truly you? What's the thing you've forgotten about yourself? 90 seconds...
It's an interesting wee thought exercise, give it a shot and let me know how you get on. You know where I am if you want to try the full 45 minute version!!!!
Something different for Monday night :)
Sunday, 1 July 2012
Congratulations, you've been successful...or have you?
What is success? I mean, I know what we're told success is but that isn't actually what success is.
I think sometimes we're all hypnotised to believe that if we don't have the big house, the fancy car, the right label on our clothes, the right body or even the right kids that we're not successful. There are a lot of people out there striving and pushing and stressing to achieve a dream that they will realise, when they get there, was actually someone else's dream, not theirs.
Success is subjective, it's a personal thing. You might even be successful now if you just paid attention to what you have rather than what you think you want to have!
For me, walking around the shops today laughing with my oldest daughter, taking my family out for dinner last night to celebrate some recent successes from all of us, looking forward to another 2 years of my wife being a student and achieving her dreams and many other things are my gauges of success before anything else comes close.
Money is nice but sharing in love and respect of all those around you is success. After all, driving your nice car into your nice house all alone would be, let's face it, pretty dull.
Love and respect :)
I think sometimes we're all hypnotised to believe that if we don't have the big house, the fancy car, the right label on our clothes, the right body or even the right kids that we're not successful. There are a lot of people out there striving and pushing and stressing to achieve a dream that they will realise, when they get there, was actually someone else's dream, not theirs.
Success is subjective, it's a personal thing. You might even be successful now if you just paid attention to what you have rather than what you think you want to have!
For me, walking around the shops today laughing with my oldest daughter, taking my family out for dinner last night to celebrate some recent successes from all of us, looking forward to another 2 years of my wife being a student and achieving her dreams and many other things are my gauges of success before anything else comes close.
Money is nice but sharing in love and respect of all those around you is success. After all, driving your nice car into your nice house all alone would be, let's face it, pretty dull.
Love and respect :)
Friday, 29 June 2012
Is it summer yet?
Friday Night Quickie: Summer in Scotland has, so far, been pretty much devoid of sunshine and coated in grey and heavy rain clouds. But that doesn't mean the sun has gone forever, does it?
Life has many seasons.
I'll leave you to think about that one :)
Life has many seasons.
I'll leave you to think about that one :)
Thursday, 28 June 2012
7 Pillars of Life
When I first started my Personal Development journey I was excited about everything and investigated all sorts of techniques and systems, some of those spiritual. One of those systems, that I symbolise proudly everyday as a tattoo, had the following incredible 7 'pillars' that it was built around. Here are those 7 pillars. What the system was, doesn't really matter, what matters is that you understand how true these are;
1. The world is what you think it is
2. There are no limits
3. Energy flows where attention goes
4. NOW is the moment of power
5. To Love is to be happy with
6. All power comes from within
7. Effectiveness is the measure of truth
I think they are beautiful. A perfect summary of how to live an effortless life. Look out next week and I'll expand on each one in turn over the course of 7 days with a wee optional exercise for you to do :)
Aloha :)
The dusty corners of your head
I was digging through some old files on the computer tonight getting ready to transfer onto my shiny new one and I found some amazing things that I'd forgotten. Things I'd put some serious work into, filed away and then never looked back on as life and HeadStrong moved on. If I must say so myself, some of it is really good! And some of it has reminded me of many of the things that were important to me back then and perhaps should be important to me now (i'm going to post one of those things straight after this post).
This is what happens isn't it? We work hard to make things like relationships, careers, lives, hobbies, businesses, families, health and then before we know it we forget the hard work we put in and take it for granted. Just another file in the big disc drive of life.
If you look back tonight, what have you done that you are proud of? The answer 'nothing' is banned due to the fact it's total bollocks, there will be at least one thing if you are really honest with yourself.
We put work into these things because they matter and because they are important to us. So keep them, cherish them, repurpose them and realise that much of what was important to you then, if your honest, is still important now.
Be proud of your old files. They made you who you are today and many of them can help you become the person you want to be tomorrow.
Wednesday, 27 June 2012
Wee Quickie
Speak your truth and speak it with pride. Why would you do anything else.
(Been working late tonight so a wee quick nugget of an idea that I will extend at some point very soon)
(Been working late tonight so a wee quick nugget of an idea that I will extend at some point very soon)
Tuesday, 26 June 2012
The 'old you' is gone. Long live the 'new you'!
So today my kids embarked on new adventures. Jodie, my oldest at 13, went on her first substantial school trip on a 24hr round trip to a theme park in England and at this very moment Amy, 11, has attended her school dance to celebrate the move to high school and is now being driven around Glasgow in a pink limousine! It's been quite a day for both of them I'm sure. I'm now sitting here waiting to hear all the amazing details.
Everything evolves and moves. Nothing stands still. It can sometimes seem like time is static but it's not. We get older (in fact, it is a fact that you are older now than you were when you started reading this!) and time moves forward without ever looking back.
So why don't we? Why do we try and hold onto the past, wanting all things to just stay the same? We waste time wanting to be the 'old me' again and never fully embracing the chance to be someone new. We mourn the loss of our children's innocence when we should be celebrating their independence. We look in the mirror and curse the signs of our ageing rather than wallowing in our experience and learning.
My kids are growing and evolving every day, as am I. Our culture has developed a fear of a fundamental law of nature, time. It's the equivalent of starting a campaign to complain about the colour of the sky. Its pointless. There is nothing you can do.
Time moves forward. Never back. Do you?
Everything evolves and moves. Nothing stands still. It can sometimes seem like time is static but it's not. We get older (in fact, it is a fact that you are older now than you were when you started reading this!) and time moves forward without ever looking back.
So why don't we? Why do we try and hold onto the past, wanting all things to just stay the same? We waste time wanting to be the 'old me' again and never fully embracing the chance to be someone new. We mourn the loss of our children's innocence when we should be celebrating their independence. We look in the mirror and curse the signs of our ageing rather than wallowing in our experience and learning.
My kids are growing and evolving every day, as am I. Our culture has developed a fear of a fundamental law of nature, time. It's the equivalent of starting a campaign to complain about the colour of the sky. Its pointless. There is nothing you can do.
Time moves forward. Never back. Do you?
Monday, 25 June 2012
You have breached life's Terms and Conditions...sorry, no refunds.
Do you try and work out your personal challenges and problems? No, I mean, do you try and literally 'work' out your personal challenges and problems?
For the most part our personal stuff is emotionally based (we could argue it all is but that's for another post, for just now let's content ourselves with 'most'). Yet, our default, and very western, approach is to try and fix it. To logic it out; 'this thing is broken and I will fix it' even when this 'thing' is our relationship, our moods or our emotional well being.
This is what I mean by 'work' it out. We approach our problems and challenges like they are a malfunctioning computer system, a failure to meet your target or a breach of terms and conditions. We look to project manage our way out of them, quoting logical reasons why it shouldn't be like this 'sorry [insert name of partner here], due to your failure to meet my standards of care you have been given a C grade and the following requirements must be met within the next appraisal period or, with regret, you are dumped, pal'.
Our problems and challenges can't be logic-ed (new word, my blog!) out, they need to be felt, acknowledged and addressed as emotional beings. Not as project managers!
You can't change your life with a bullet pointed list.
You change your life by taking action to change the things you aren't happy with and by accepting that life will, undoubtedly, deliver you both ups and downs and that fighting these or thinking you can control them will only lead you to a world of hurt.
You are an emotion machine. You have been made this way. There are no terms and conditions, there is just life. Start living it that way it was designed to be lived.
Let loose, smile, cry, laugh, blush. The world becomes more fun when you do...
For the most part our personal stuff is emotionally based (we could argue it all is but that's for another post, for just now let's content ourselves with 'most'). Yet, our default, and very western, approach is to try and fix it. To logic it out; 'this thing is broken and I will fix it' even when this 'thing' is our relationship, our moods or our emotional well being.
This is what I mean by 'work' it out. We approach our problems and challenges like they are a malfunctioning computer system, a failure to meet your target or a breach of terms and conditions. We look to project manage our way out of them, quoting logical reasons why it shouldn't be like this 'sorry [insert name of partner here], due to your failure to meet my standards of care you have been given a C grade and the following requirements must be met within the next appraisal period or, with regret, you are dumped, pal'.
Our problems and challenges can't be logic-ed (new word, my blog!) out, they need to be felt, acknowledged and addressed as emotional beings. Not as project managers!
You can't change your life with a bullet pointed list.
You change your life by taking action to change the things you aren't happy with and by accepting that life will, undoubtedly, deliver you both ups and downs and that fighting these or thinking you can control them will only lead you to a world of hurt.
You are an emotion machine. You have been made this way. There are no terms and conditions, there is just life. Start living it that way it was designed to be lived.
Let loose, smile, cry, laugh, blush. The world becomes more fun when you do...
Sunday, 24 June 2012
The moments that define us
Late Night Musing: why is it that we accept that, in moments of negativity like fear, regret or uncertainty,that our lives can change in a second, never to be the same again? We hold these moments dear, telling people how we'll never forget them and then replay them in our heads again and again making ourselves feel crap and keeping ourselves trapped.
Yet, in moments of joy, happiness or extreme excitement for instance, when life gives us a treat of epic proportions we believe them to be temporary,fleeting moments, with no lasting impact past the immediate afterglow. We let them slip past us as quickly as they happen never to be replayed, held deep in our memories gathering dust and losing their potential impact.
Isn't it just the same process in reverse?
Replay your highlights every day; life will never be the same again.
Yet, in moments of joy, happiness or extreme excitement for instance, when life gives us a treat of epic proportions we believe them to be temporary,fleeting moments, with no lasting impact past the immediate afterglow. We let them slip past us as quickly as they happen never to be replayed, held deep in our memories gathering dust and losing their potential impact.
Isn't it just the same process in reverse?
Replay your highlights every day; life will never be the same again.
Saturday, 23 June 2012
Tough Love on a Saturday
Righty oh, it's tough love time. I'm delivering a course this weekend and one of the parts of it involves our amazing delegates telling us stories about things that have happened to them at any point in their lives. But this is raising a problem.
The problem isn't the presentations or the speaking. Nope. The problem is our delegates accepting how amazing they are and the incredible things they know, have done, have seen and have experienced. This happened to me yesterday as well and is frankly happening so much I think this may be something that many people are affected by.
So, I have to ask, do you not have any idea how simply amazing you are? Do you have no idea how special, unique and incredible some of your experiences are? Do you just gloss over your stunning achievements dismissing them as just something you did?
You are f**king incredible. You, and I don't know you personally, will have been a part of some incredible things but do you ever stop long enough to really, truly appreciate them?
Today we found people who have;
- done the biggest bungee jump in the world, "yeah, but noone would find that interesting" - WRONG! IT'S AMAZING!
- changed the face of all the worlds theme parks forever, "but it's not really a story" - WRONG! IT'S AMAZING!
- had coincidental meetings with Glasgow friends on deserted islands 300 miles off the Gold Coast of Australia "it was just one of those things" - WRONG! IT'S AMAZING!
Do you not get it? You are special and the things you have done are special. You should be proud of everything, the ups and the downs.
Spend at least a few minutes of tonight enjoying the amazing things you have done. And then go do some more...
The problem isn't the presentations or the speaking. Nope. The problem is our delegates accepting how amazing they are and the incredible things they know, have done, have seen and have experienced. This happened to me yesterday as well and is frankly happening so much I think this may be something that many people are affected by.
So, I have to ask, do you not have any idea how simply amazing you are? Do you have no idea how special, unique and incredible some of your experiences are? Do you just gloss over your stunning achievements dismissing them as just something you did?
You are f**king incredible. You, and I don't know you personally, will have been a part of some incredible things but do you ever stop long enough to really, truly appreciate them?
Today we found people who have;
- done the biggest bungee jump in the world, "yeah, but noone would find that interesting" - WRONG! IT'S AMAZING!
- changed the face of all the worlds theme parks forever, "but it's not really a story" - WRONG! IT'S AMAZING!
- had coincidental meetings with Glasgow friends on deserted islands 300 miles off the Gold Coast of Australia "it was just one of those things" - WRONG! IT'S AMAZING!
Do you not get it? You are special and the things you have done are special. You should be proud of everything, the ups and the downs.
Spend at least a few minutes of tonight enjoying the amazing things you have done. And then go do some more...
Friday, 22 June 2012
The magic fairies are coming...
It's easy to become fixated on our problems being external to us. You know, we blame the food, the drink, the fags, the drugs and call them 'the problem'.
Stop kidding yourself on! The 'thing' isn't the problem, you are!
See the only reason you eat the food, smoke the fag etc. is because your mind has decided that it is the quickest way it has got of meeting a key, unconscious need. The question is which one. Here's a very basic model that you can use to diagnose which need your 'thing' meets -
Stability - the need to have peace, quiet and to stop the noise, stop the stress
Variety - the need to get the buzz, to alleviate the boredom
Connection - the need to not feel alone, to be part of something
Or finally,
Status - the need to feel special/cool/different, like you are an individual who makes their own choices
It doesn't matter how 'sorted' you think your life is, you even do the good stuff like exercise, ambition and creativity to get these needs met.
So ask yourself, which are you?
Once you know which fits you.., stop bloody blaming the 'thing'. The cake doesn't eat itself! The hangover isn't delivered by magic fairies during the night! The dodgy pill didn't just soak through your skin. It was you that did it, you chose it.
However, the realisation that it's not about the food, drink, drugs or whatever and that it's actually about your unconscious needs gives you the freedom to make one more choice.
What would be a better thing to do instead?
Anyway, for many of you the magic hangover fairies are probably due in a few hours so think about this once you've promised yourself you'll never do it again!!
Stop kidding yourself on! The 'thing' isn't the problem, you are!
See the only reason you eat the food, smoke the fag etc. is because your mind has decided that it is the quickest way it has got of meeting a key, unconscious need. The question is which one. Here's a very basic model that you can use to diagnose which need your 'thing' meets -
Stability - the need to have peace, quiet and to stop the noise, stop the stress
Variety - the need to get the buzz, to alleviate the boredom
Connection - the need to not feel alone, to be part of something
Or finally,
Status - the need to feel special/cool/different, like you are an individual who makes their own choices
It doesn't matter how 'sorted' you think your life is, you even do the good stuff like exercise, ambition and creativity to get these needs met.
So ask yourself, which are you?
Once you know which fits you.., stop bloody blaming the 'thing'. The cake doesn't eat itself! The hangover isn't delivered by magic fairies during the night! The dodgy pill didn't just soak through your skin. It was you that did it, you chose it.
However, the realisation that it's not about the food, drink, drugs or whatever and that it's actually about your unconscious needs gives you the freedom to make one more choice.
What would be a better thing to do instead?
Anyway, for many of you the magic hangover fairies are probably due in a few hours so think about this once you've promised yourself you'll never do it again!!
Thursday, 21 June 2012
Are you too stupid to be stressed?
How much effort do you put into being a 'happier' person? When i say 'happy' i mean whatever 'happy' means to you e.g. richer, more relaxed, sexier, bigger, smaller, together, apart, different, the same, cleverer, quieter...the list goes on.
Anyway, the simple fact is that the more effort you put into being happier the less likely you are to get it!
When we 'effort', push and 'try' it tends to be that we try to think ourselves happy. Tying to out manoeuvre life as if it's some sort of intellectual, tactical sport. "maybe I can do this thing, life won't notice and I'll be happy before life catches on. Then I can sit back and go 'get it right up ye, life. I'm the pure champion' and laugh cos I'm cleverer than life itself. I'm the life tactician"
But it simply doesn't work like that. Happiness is not a tactical move, it's not about thought or ambition or even about being clever. It's actually about the total opposite.
Happiness, in whatever form, requires no effort, lives with you right now and requires so little thought you've probably met many people who act to stupid to be stressed or worked up about life!! In that particular case I need to ask, who's the clever one, really?
Happiness arrives the second you spend more time accepting what you've had, where you've been and where you are heading and less time trying to wish the past never happened (it did), wish the present was different (it isn't) and wish that someone can give you a magic wand to change the future (this isn't totally impossible).
Happiness lives in you. It lives in a smile, in a moment of effortlessness, in realising that the only thing that matters in any minute is doing your best.
Happiness is with you now, it needs no thinking.
Close your eyes and think of something that makes you smile...see, easy :D
Anyway, the simple fact is that the more effort you put into being happier the less likely you are to get it!
When we 'effort', push and 'try' it tends to be that we try to think ourselves happy. Tying to out manoeuvre life as if it's some sort of intellectual, tactical sport. "maybe I can do this thing, life won't notice and I'll be happy before life catches on. Then I can sit back and go 'get it right up ye, life. I'm the pure champion' and laugh cos I'm cleverer than life itself. I'm the life tactician"
But it simply doesn't work like that. Happiness is not a tactical move, it's not about thought or ambition or even about being clever. It's actually about the total opposite.
Happiness, in whatever form, requires no effort, lives with you right now and requires so little thought you've probably met many people who act to stupid to be stressed or worked up about life!! In that particular case I need to ask, who's the clever one, really?
Happiness arrives the second you spend more time accepting what you've had, where you've been and where you are heading and less time trying to wish the past never happened (it did), wish the present was different (it isn't) and wish that someone can give you a magic wand to change the future (this isn't totally impossible).
Happiness lives in you. It lives in a smile, in a moment of effortlessness, in realising that the only thing that matters in any minute is doing your best.
Happiness is with you now, it needs no thinking.
Close your eyes and think of something that makes you smile...see, easy :D
Wednesday, 20 June 2012
Can you hear that?
Shhhhh...Shhhhhh.....
No, seriously, mute the tv just for a second...now just listen....
....
Very quietly count to 10 in your head...
Do you hear that? That's nothing. It's amazing isnt it! When was the last time you heard nothing? No stress? No frantic running about? Just the sound of life going on outside you rather than inside you?
It's incredible what happens when we stop...and just let ourselves hang in the gap between this...and that. There is always space...between things, we just tend to fill it with noise. It's in the moments that we stop and allow that space...to become everything that we learn what it is to simply be.
Listen...it's...still...there. A big dose of...nothingness.
Just enjoy the space. Keep the telly off for exactly 1 minute, put your phone or whatever down for exactly 1 minute and just sit... Do nothing...read nothing...be nowhere apart from right here...right now.
I'll leave you to savour it. Do a little bit of nothing every day, it'll transform you....
No, seriously, mute the tv just for a second...now just listen....
....
Very quietly count to 10 in your head...
Do you hear that? That's nothing. It's amazing isnt it! When was the last time you heard nothing? No stress? No frantic running about? Just the sound of life going on outside you rather than inside you?
It's incredible what happens when we stop...and just let ourselves hang in the gap between this...and that. There is always space...between things, we just tend to fill it with noise. It's in the moments that we stop and allow that space...to become everything that we learn what it is to simply be.
Listen...it's...still...there. A big dose of...nothingness.
Just enjoy the space. Keep the telly off for exactly 1 minute, put your phone or whatever down for exactly 1 minute and just sit... Do nothing...read nothing...be nowhere apart from right here...right now.
I'll leave you to savour it. Do a little bit of nothing every day, it'll transform you....
Who shut the gate?
When my wee (totally adorable) cocker spaniel
Benji was a tiny puppy we used to let him out in the garden and put plant pots
in front of the gate so he wouldn't escape. The gate doesn't lock properly (in
fact, at all!) so a slight push and it would open. We were always worried he
might work that out since he is also a clever dog when he wants to be. It was
highly effective and never once did he get out.
He's not so
tiny anymore and, as the summer comes in, we can now let him back out into the
garden on an almost full time basis again. But here's the interesting thing,
the plant pots aren't there anymore yet he still stops where they were, never
tries to get out and accepts that he is contained by the gate. If he just gave
that gate a small nudge, he'd have freedom. Yet he never does.
It's easy to learn patterns that keep us trapped isn't it? But surely we're more intelligent than the dog, aren't we? We'd never just simply accept an easily surmountable limitation on our freedom and ability to go where we want to go and do what we want do and not at least try to ‘push the gate’ and see if it would open. Would we?
Makes you
think…
Go nudge the
gate. You never know it might be open and, if it is, amazing things could
happen.
Be amazing
Tuesday, 19 June 2012
No Doubts...
Late Night Musing: what does it mean to believe in yourself? I mean, we say the phrase like we know what it means yet, for most of us, we don't. We know how it feels (or doesn't) but we never think about what we actually do to get that feeling.
Here's my thoughts, for what they are worth. Self belief, like many things, is a process. A doing thing that you are actively involved in. It's again, like confidence, not a commodity. I can't buy it, I do it. I can't trade it, I feel it.
But how? Well, it's simple. When you approach a task or context with a picture running in your head that tells you that, without doubt, you are going to do the thing you want to do then you get the feeling of self belief.
However, what many of us do is we run pictures of doing well with an internal commentary that tells us that there is no way this is going to happen and we are actually rubbish. There's a flaw in that strategy!
Your thoughts and self talk are under your control. No-one expects you to be perfect all the time. Always do your best, no-one can ever ask anything more. It's easy to believe in yourself when your expectation is to only ever do the best you possibly can. You can't do anything more or less, can you?
I believe...
Here's my thoughts, for what they are worth. Self belief, like many things, is a process. A doing thing that you are actively involved in. It's again, like confidence, not a commodity. I can't buy it, I do it. I can't trade it, I feel it.
But how? Well, it's simple. When you approach a task or context with a picture running in your head that tells you that, without doubt, you are going to do the thing you want to do then you get the feeling of self belief.
However, what many of us do is we run pictures of doing well with an internal commentary that tells us that there is no way this is going to happen and we are actually rubbish. There's a flaw in that strategy!
Your thoughts and self talk are under your control. No-one expects you to be perfect all the time. Always do your best, no-one can ever ask anything more. It's easy to believe in yourself when your expectation is to only ever do the best you possibly can. You can't do anything more or less, can you?
I believe...
Monday, 18 June 2012
Going Loopy
I talk frequently to people about what I have decided today I like to call perpetual loops. These are loops of behaviour that feed themselves which means they can appear, to the person doing them at least, as if they are uncontrollable or without reason.
Anxiety is a prime example. Someone has a horrible experience where they experience anxiety. The next time they think of doing that time they get anxious about the fact that they might get anxious. This makes them anxious. Woops! Now, they have anxiety, not about the thing they are actually anxious about but about the anxiety that they might get anxiety! This then fires off the perpetual loop; anxious about being anxious which is often mistakenly attributed to some mysterious outside cause.
This is exactly the same as the person who gets angry about being angry, sad about being sad, or feels crap about themselves cause they are overweight so they go and eat cake to make themselves feel better (in turn making them overweight which makes them feel crap which....you get the idea).
It's a really insidious wee trick of the mind but it is actually fiendishly simple to, at least, begin to control.
Step 1, rationalise the memory that started the loop. Heres some questions for you to start this - What is it that happened? How did you feel? What is it that you think would happen if this was to happen again? Is that worse or better than what happens now?
Step 2 - realise that this is a perpetual loop. A set of behaviours causing themselves. It is really illogical when you step back and notice it. Many times just the awareness of the loop can make it easy to break. Your reaction is historical, it would be like being scared of falling every time you walked just because you fell when you were a baby.
Anyway, go spot your loops. You'll have some, the only question is quite how mental they are!
Anxiety is a prime example. Someone has a horrible experience where they experience anxiety. The next time they think of doing that time they get anxious about the fact that they might get anxious. This makes them anxious. Woops! Now, they have anxiety, not about the thing they are actually anxious about but about the anxiety that they might get anxiety! This then fires off the perpetual loop; anxious about being anxious which is often mistakenly attributed to some mysterious outside cause.
This is exactly the same as the person who gets angry about being angry, sad about being sad, or feels crap about themselves cause they are overweight so they go and eat cake to make themselves feel better (in turn making them overweight which makes them feel crap which....you get the idea).
It's a really insidious wee trick of the mind but it is actually fiendishly simple to, at least, begin to control.
Step 1, rationalise the memory that started the loop. Heres some questions for you to start this - What is it that happened? How did you feel? What is it that you think would happen if this was to happen again? Is that worse or better than what happens now?
Step 2 - realise that this is a perpetual loop. A set of behaviours causing themselves. It is really illogical when you step back and notice it. Many times just the awareness of the loop can make it easy to break. Your reaction is historical, it would be like being scared of falling every time you walked just because you fell when you were a baby.
Anyway, go spot your loops. You'll have some, the only question is quite how mental they are!
Sunday, 17 June 2012
Becoming Red
I've been pulled a lot towards red recently. Red t-shirts, red iPad covers, red jeans, red mugs for the kitchen and tonight a crazy urge to buy a new red kettle! What the hell is that about!
I'm not a huge one for reading much into colours. For instance i don't believe that because I am attracted to red it obviously means that I am in a fiery place and my personality is changing due to the recent positioning of the sun and venus. But I am into thinking that it must be meaning something personal to me inside my head at this moment to have such a strong pull towards it.
So, it makes me want to ask, what colour is your life just now? I'm finding red at the moment really alive and vibrant but where are you?
If your life was a colour what colour would it be? I know there are going to be a whole rainbow of colours out there and I'm not asking you to reply and tell me (although feel free if the fancy takes you). It's just an interesting experiment.
If your colour is dark, is that ok? Dark does not instantly equal bad (think a deep passionate scarlet for example). If it's not ok to be dark, where in your life is there colour? And what can you do to amplify it?
And if it's bright, how bright? Do you have one colour, two colours, a whole ruddy rainbow? You could go nuts!
Always remember, there is no such thing as darkness. Only an absence of light*.
Have a colourful week :)
*brought to you by Brian's amazing physics facts ;)
Saturday, 16 June 2012
How the hell did I end up here?
Here's a wee gem to make you think - see the problem you think you have? Well, that is not the problem. The problem you actually have is the state you go into when you enter the context of that problem.
Let me translate it a bit. The problem you have is not spiders, driving, public speaking, your boss, your relationship or anything else you can think of.
The problem is that, when you see the spider, get behind the wheel, see the audience looking back, meet your boss or see your partner (etc, etc...) your thoughts trigger an internal state that stops you being yourself, making good choices and generally being capable and in control. It's not the thing or them that's the problem. It's you!
The great news for you is that state you feel is changeable.
How?
Well let me keep this simple, no feeling happens on its own. EVERY feeling is preceded by a thought. That means, if you are in a crap state, you are running crap thoughts. For example, when you're about to go to a meeting with your boss for example, what are you thinking? And what would happen if you simply thought something else?
Different thoughts = different feelings. Pay attention to how you think rather than how you feel and you get to understand exactly how in control you are.
Friday, 15 June 2012
Fighting, Flighting or Confident...ing?
I was fortunate enough to be back in a high school again today speaking to the new 4th year pupils (14/15yr old) about confidence. I was telling them how I believe that, for many of us, what masquerades as confidence is actually our default fight or flight response when faced by fear. Let me explain;
Fight - when our 'confidence' level is driven by a fight response to fear we can end up jumpy, fidgety, aggressive, loud and over the top. It can occasionally appear like control but actually people just don't want to argue with you! At its extreme this is bully behaviour.
Flight - When we run from the things that scare us we end up submissive, withdrawn, quiet and find ourselves accepting our fate. It appears like a lack of control, as if the world just happens to us and we can do bugger all to stop it. At its extreme this is shyness and even social anxiety.
But neither of these is actually confidence. They are responses to fear.
Confidence is a state that comes from having no fear of the thing you are facing at that time. It is still, calm and powerful. You'll know you have it when your head goes quiet and you find yourself in a place of effortless ease. It isn't fidgety, it's deliberate. It dances with fear.
Which do you do? As I said to the kids today, confidence is not a commodity. It's not something you have. It's something you do. Now go do more of it.
Fight - when our 'confidence' level is driven by a fight response to fear we can end up jumpy, fidgety, aggressive, loud and over the top. It can occasionally appear like control but actually people just don't want to argue with you! At its extreme this is bully behaviour.
Flight - When we run from the things that scare us we end up submissive, withdrawn, quiet and find ourselves accepting our fate. It appears like a lack of control, as if the world just happens to us and we can do bugger all to stop it. At its extreme this is shyness and even social anxiety.
But neither of these is actually confidence. They are responses to fear.
Confidence is a state that comes from having no fear of the thing you are facing at that time. It is still, calm and powerful. You'll know you have it when your head goes quiet and you find yourself in a place of effortless ease. It isn't fidgety, it's deliberate. It dances with fear.
Which do you do? As I said to the kids today, confidence is not a commodity. It's not something you have. It's something you do. Now go do more of it.
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