The Puzzle of People

I recently had the great fortune to be modelled by a group of Master Practitioner students during a recent course.  For the non-NLPers this basically means they 'interrogated' me with amazing questions and insight to discover my thought processes, mindset, beliefs and approach when I work with a client. 

It brought up many interesting things but one in particular, I believe, can make the difference between success and failure to anyone out there involved in the development of people.  Any good coach out there already does it, but so many people don't think of it.

You know those spot the difference puzzles you used to do when you were a kid? You know 'spot the 6 differences between these 2 pictures of a spotty cow'? I recently was shown that if you hold the 2 pictures next to each other and cross your eyes (like looking at one of those 3D pictures) the differences 'shimmer'. It really works, you should try it.  It totally blew my mind!

Anyway, whenever I meet anyone for the first time, whether it be someone on a course or perhaps a prospective client, I find that they have a shimmer.  Its like a spot the difference.

I see the person in my head with all the potential, possibility, love, happiness and peace that they want.  I don't see 'problems'. I see the person underneath the problems. The real them. When I compare this to the person in front of me it's like the differences amplify, I can almost feel them, see the shimmer.  My job is then simply to clear that blockage and allow the real them out. When that happens, the person will very quickly begin to get what they want (this is why I am loathe to say I fix problems, I more think of it as freeing people from bullsh!t)

So, if you are in any situation where you have the opportunity to help someone, whether that be a colleague to a friend, hold the real them in your head and ask yourself 'how is it possible they aren't already living the life of their dreams?'. Now help them get there.

But do you want something even more powerful? The next time you look in the mirror, see the real you. Do you have all that you want? If you don't what is it that the 'real you' would do differently to get everything you want?

Now for the same advice as last night...go do it!

Be the real you.  It's harder work than you think to be anyone else. 

Jump ya silly b&@&€d. JUMP!

I see a lot of quotes on Facebook and, like you, you'll see the same ones coming round again and again and again. Eventually, like anything you are repeatedly exposed to, they lose their power and become diluted, a bit like a smoker who doesn't get the 'hit' anymore. 

That's why when I see a new one, something I've not seen before, it can get me excited. 

This morning I heard a quote from Game of Thrones. I've not read the books or watched the series but I might now! The quote was one character asking his father "can a man still be brave if he's afraid?" and his father says "that is the only time a man can be brave". Epic!

So many people run from fear thinking that it's something they should never feel. They look at people doing amazing things and believe, mistakenly, that the person doing it isn't afraid or, because they have courage, that they don't feel the fear.

That's not how it works!

Bravery, courage, resolve, tenacity, being unstoppable is only important when you are faced with the things that scare you. When your comfortable there is no need to be brave, when you're 'out there' further than you've been before, that's when you need to show your bottle. 

There are countless tales of athletes, performers, politicians, speakers, entertainers, trainers, teachers, gurus feeling nervous just before they deliver.  But the fact is, they deliver. 

When you are next faced with something that scares you whether that be speaking in public, standing up for yourself, complaining about something, doing something crazy and new, i want you to take a really good look inside. It's at that moment you get to prove how brave you are. It is in there, all you need to do is do it.  

Feel the fear.  Use it as fuel.

I'm lucky enough to see to happen all the time. Many people reading this will know exactly what I'm talking about (remember its a surprise!). I've seen many people want to walk away when their moment comes.  They tell me they can't do it, they're not 'brave' enough. But they are.

And so are you.

In the moments of fear, you prove to yourself how strong you are. Fear can be fuel when you use it in the right way.

Now I'm away to buy a box set! Be brave...

Scared of new?

I love new. That's not an auto correct mistake! I love 'new'. I'm always on the hunt for new things to do, the excitement of a tweak to a course, to a new client, to a whole new set of people on a course just gets me going!

Anyway, I've been lucky enough to be surrounded by people doing new things with their life's recently. It's been scary for many of them at times. That s what happens.  But the aftermath is incredible. The possibilities, the success, the feeling of achievement. It's what it's all about. 

Any time you are going to stretch yourself it will bring with it, at least, a moment of fear. The quality of your life is directly related to the amount of this fear you can handle and overcome. 

So as you embark on a new week I want to set you a wee challenge; do something that scares you. Refuse to spend another week living 'same shit, different day'. 

Look out further than the next day and ask yourself 'what is the one thing I've not done because the thought of doing it freaks me out?'. 

Go do it.

PS can I offer a massive well done to everyone around me embarking on a new stage of their lives. I know how deep you're digging and I know the rewards are coming your way :)

Looking at you looking at them

Quick Friday Thought; isn't it funny how sometimes we criticise something or someone while demonstrating the very thing we are criticising ourselves.

You know, screaming at someone to 'not be so angry!' or saying someone is stubborn while refusing to give an inch yourself. 

Sometimes, when we are ready to criticise, the first place we should look is in the mirror. 

Grabbing life's bollocks...

Isn't it funny how sometimes the very thing we want is exactly the thing we act against. 

All of us want to have the good things in life, don't we? Things like happiness, peace, love, respect, togetherness, friendship and a million other things unique to us. So why do so many of us live in anger, frustration, sadness, anxiety and loads of other things that make us feel like crap? 

I wonder how many people reading this answered that with 'it's not my fault, it's other people that make me feel like that'? Guess what? It's not them, it's you!

If you want to have all those good things then it's up to you to change not everyone else.  

If you want togetherness and family, why do you keep shouting at each other? If you want friendship and enjoyment, why do you push everyone away? If you want health, peace and happiness why do you wake up every weekend with another hangover?

There are no words of wisdom that can change you.  There is no thought provoking Facebook soundbite that will alter your life. There is no deep Einstein quote that can bring you all you want.  The only thing that can do it, is you.

You have the power to change everything. You have the power to get all you want from life. You are in control. You are in charge of your life. So are you going to keep blaming other people for your life or are you going to do something about it? Your choice, your moment.

Grab your life by the bollocks. It's what it wants ;) 

I'd rather do it than have it...

I was having a chat to a pal tonight about something I say all the time and frequently have people ask me about, it's my use of the word 'doing' rather than 'have'. 

For example, let's take depression. Depression isn't something you have, it's something you do. It's active, it's a verb! Depression is the act of depressing yourself. 

I'm going to pause here to allow the silence to be punctuated by someone screaming 'You don't understand...' at their computer. 

Now that's out of the way can I just add, the act of doing is rarely conscious and doesn't diminish the feelings someone feels. If you're doing depression, anxiety, loneliness, jealousy, resentment, anger, sadness, disappointment, guilt or any other emotion then you will really feel like shit sometimes but i just want you to realise you're not sick. You're not broken. You're just stuck in a pattern of thought and emotion that isn't serving you. 

You can change. Everyone can.  If we treat these emotions as 'things' then it makes them immovable, permanent.  Let's get straight, it's a behaviour, a set of circumstances that, although feels real, is still just behaviour. To say someone 'has' depression for example puts a huge label on them, labelling in this case is not useful. In fact it will tend to force generalisations about behaviour and make it less likely that the person will be able to change. 

Does that make sense? There is a permanence to 'has' and a flexibility in 'do'. 

The question is do you want to be sick and broken or do you want to tell yourself this is a temporary thing you can change easily? 

Flexibility is good.  Touch your emotional toes with your emotional fingers and watch how cool life becomes :)

The Theory with No Name

I have a theory. I dunno if I've spoken about it here before but I was speaking about it yesterday and I find a lot of people relate to it. I've never named it, but maybe you can help with that! Here it goes...

As we grow up, stuff happens. Emotional stuff.  It tends to happen in two ways; the big 'whack' - something emotionally huge that belts you like being hit by a bus - or the 'drip feed' - something just keeps happening again and again and again and again...

I find that when these things happen, especially when we are growing up, somewhere in our head, a part of us stops and becomes stuck. When I say stops I mean stops, it never grows up. It is left inside being perpetually 8 years old (or whatever age the stuff really got you). A little child version of you locked inside you, scared, angry, sad or maybe guilty. 

You'll recognise it. It's the time you feel like a little boy or a little girl again even though you are now an adult. It's the little you that still hurts when you think of it. It's the you that you remember being before everything changed. 
 
So what do you do about it? Well, there are many things, but here's just one. Imagine simply finding that younger you, give them a hug and telling them 'it's all ok now'. Give that part of you permission to grow up, to let go and realise its ok now to stop being scared, sad, angry or guilty. It's time for all of you to grow up now. 

Find the part of you that got stuck and unstick it. You'll be amazed how amazing it feels to be all the same age :)