Looking at you looking at them

Quick Friday Thought; isn't it funny how sometimes we criticise something or someone while demonstrating the very thing we are criticising ourselves.

You know, screaming at someone to 'not be so angry!' or saying someone is stubborn while refusing to give an inch yourself. 

Sometimes, when we are ready to criticise, the first place we should look is in the mirror. 

Grabbing life's bollocks...

Isn't it funny how sometimes the very thing we want is exactly the thing we act against. 

All of us want to have the good things in life, don't we? Things like happiness, peace, love, respect, togetherness, friendship and a million other things unique to us. So why do so many of us live in anger, frustration, sadness, anxiety and loads of other things that make us feel like crap? 

I wonder how many people reading this answered that with 'it's not my fault, it's other people that make me feel like that'? Guess what? It's not them, it's you!

If you want to have all those good things then it's up to you to change not everyone else.  

If you want togetherness and family, why do you keep shouting at each other? If you want friendship and enjoyment, why do you push everyone away? If you want health, peace and happiness why do you wake up every weekend with another hangover?

There are no words of wisdom that can change you.  There is no thought provoking Facebook soundbite that will alter your life. There is no deep Einstein quote that can bring you all you want.  The only thing that can do it, is you.

You have the power to change everything. You have the power to get all you want from life. You are in control. You are in charge of your life. So are you going to keep blaming other people for your life or are you going to do something about it? Your choice, your moment.

Grab your life by the bollocks. It's what it wants ;) 

I'd rather do it than have it...

I was having a chat to a pal tonight about something I say all the time and frequently have people ask me about, it's my use of the word 'doing' rather than 'have'. 

For example, let's take depression. Depression isn't something you have, it's something you do. It's active, it's a verb! Depression is the act of depressing yourself. 

I'm going to pause here to allow the silence to be punctuated by someone screaming 'You don't understand...' at their computer. 

Now that's out of the way can I just add, the act of doing is rarely conscious and doesn't diminish the feelings someone feels. If you're doing depression, anxiety, loneliness, jealousy, resentment, anger, sadness, disappointment, guilt or any other emotion then you will really feel like shit sometimes but i just want you to realise you're not sick. You're not broken. You're just stuck in a pattern of thought and emotion that isn't serving you. 

You can change. Everyone can.  If we treat these emotions as 'things' then it makes them immovable, permanent.  Let's get straight, it's a behaviour, a set of circumstances that, although feels real, is still just behaviour. To say someone 'has' depression for example puts a huge label on them, labelling in this case is not useful. In fact it will tend to force generalisations about behaviour and make it less likely that the person will be able to change. 

Does that make sense? There is a permanence to 'has' and a flexibility in 'do'. 

The question is do you want to be sick and broken or do you want to tell yourself this is a temporary thing you can change easily? 

Flexibility is good.  Touch your emotional toes with your emotional fingers and watch how cool life becomes :)

The Theory with No Name

I have a theory. I dunno if I've spoken about it here before but I was speaking about it yesterday and I find a lot of people relate to it. I've never named it, but maybe you can help with that! Here it goes...

As we grow up, stuff happens. Emotional stuff.  It tends to happen in two ways; the big 'whack' - something emotionally huge that belts you like being hit by a bus - or the 'drip feed' - something just keeps happening again and again and again and again...

I find that when these things happen, especially when we are growing up, somewhere in our head, a part of us stops and becomes stuck. When I say stops I mean stops, it never grows up. It is left inside being perpetually 8 years old (or whatever age the stuff really got you). A little child version of you locked inside you, scared, angry, sad or maybe guilty. 

You'll recognise it. It's the time you feel like a little boy or a little girl again even though you are now an adult. It's the little you that still hurts when you think of it. It's the you that you remember being before everything changed. 
 
So what do you do about it? Well, there are many things, but here's just one. Imagine simply finding that younger you, give them a hug and telling them 'it's all ok now'. Give that part of you permission to grow up, to let go and realise its ok now to stop being scared, sad, angry or guilty. It's time for all of you to grow up now. 

Find the part of you that got stuck and unstick it. You'll be amazed how amazing it feels to be all the same age :)

Cleaning the cat (that's not code!)

Someone said to me today that they wondered if they had any emotions left because they hadn't 'felt' in about 2 years. This is amazingly common. Ask yourself, when was the last time you remember feeling love? Happiness? Peace? Anger even?

Some people will have felt all those things today! Maybe even in the last 10 minutes! That's amazingly common too!

To the people that don't 'feel', I almost always ask the same question; 'when did you first feel out of control of your emotions?'

Have you ever tried to give a cat a bath? It's a bloody nightmare let me tell you! In my experience it is one of the most violent and futile tasks you can ever take part in.  The more you hold, the more it struggles.  The more you push, the more it wriggles and they are strong when they are giving it them all. The minute you lose concentration, you're bleeding.  It is an act of sheer brute strength to hold on to even a tiny sliver of control! It's nuts. I'm glad I have a dog these days!

Why talk about bathing cats?  Because bathing a cat is just like controlling your mind! What most people do is they hold tighter and tighter giving less and less wriggle room to try and stop their mind from 'biting' them. But there is the problem. When you hold your mind tightly to avoid it causing you pain, you also stop any chance of it giving you pleasure.  The more you control it, the less it 'moves', the less it 'moves', the less you feel. 

So what do I ask people to do next? I ask them to accept and let go of control. Its just like letting go of the cat, the first thing you'll get is scratched! But just wait, once you let it run off the fear and the anger everything chills out. Before you know it, it's clean, purring and back to its old self. 

It's enough to turn you into a dog person, isn't it! Purr, purr, meow...

Days that define us

We can wait our whole life wondering if we'll ever reach it. Some of us even know exactly what 'it' is while some of us will never have the confidence or self belief to really go for 'it' with everything we have. 

It's one of the most powerful driving forces we own yet so many of us ignore it, pretending it doesn't exist and allowing other people to define our opportunities to achieve it. 

Destiny. 

Just something for you to think about tonight. 

Tomorrow my wife Sheena takes a first step on a path that we had never even considered 6 years ago. That was when she started university, in itself a massive step for someone who hadn't had the best of time at school nearly 15 years prior to this.

Tomorrow, after a lot of hard work, some squeaky bum times, some amazing times, and an understanding that to succeed you need to look forward and persevere, she begins her journey towards being a high school teacher. It's an incredible place for her to have ended and one she truly deserves. 

Is it her destiny? Right now it is! But that's not to say she won't have another one, or that this is just another step on a path to something bigger. 

I like to believe that we can turn all we experience into fuel for our destiny. You have one. And it could be amazing. The question is, do you have the courage to turn the engine on?

Shadows of Happiness

Late Night Musing: Funny how happiness can sometimes catch you unaware, isn't it? Or is it that you've just not been noticing it as much recently? 

Happiness is a bit like your shadow, it's always there, it never leaves you. It's there when the sun shines brightly and its there when it rains. It's just a question of whether you take the time to notice it or not. 

Think that says it all really. 

Brevity...what an unusual concept... ;)

Revenge of the assholes

There is an intriguing pattern that I watch people get into, I like to call them 'revenge circles'. 

This is when 2 (or occasionally more) people end up using some sort of perceived injustice as an excuse to act like an asshole towards the other person in a bid to rebalance the universe and make it all alright again.  The rationale tends to go along the lines of 'Well he/she did <perceived injustice> so I'll show them by <asshole behaviour>'. 

Can I point out this asshole behaviour can include telling the other person exactly how much it hurt and making them grovel like a pig to make up for it. 

Of course, what happens next is the cycle returns to the beginning as the mantle of 'asshole' is given to the other person.  And so the cycle goes on. It can repeat for years and it has the ability to kill any relationship; romantic, business, friendship whatever. 

The thing for people to notice is that revenge is never about the other person. It's about you.  As an example try this on 'You made me feel small/insignificant/bad/sad/mad so now I'll make you feel small/insignificant/bad/sad/mad to make me feel better'. It's poisonous yet it's easily stopped. 

Break the cycle. Just don't be an asshole! Tell it like it is but avoid point scoring. Be honest and truthful but don't belittle or jab at the person's ego. 

Revenge is about you not them. Now it's up to you to do what you need to do. :)

Alice's adventures in Enger-Land

Today I met my most experienced(!) client for the first time. At 79 years of age she takes the trophy by a good 5 years or so!

There were many amazing things about our meeting today (including her fantastically point blank refusal to accept that, at 79, she should just accept her recent anxiety and be happy with her lot). 

But it was a little story she told me that made me think and I thought I'd share.  We were talking about how she is also very computer literate and is a bit of a photo editing expert!

Anyway, in the 1950s she started work for the Royal Air something or other and was fortunate enough to be working on one of only 2 computers in the whole country. As she described it, this machine was the size of two decent living rooms (amazing to think I now carry something significantly more powerful in my pocket). 

The computer used paper 'tape' full of holes to compute whatever it was computing using some very clever maths and some equally clever engineering. When the machine broke down, a door was opened and boffins walked inside to see what the issue was. 

One day the machine broke down, wouldn't run the program it was meant to. No matter how many experts they brought in it still refused to work. Professor this and Doctor that were brought in to locate the problem. Nothing doing. The boss says to these guys 'give it to Alice, she'll sort it'.

Alice took the paper 'program' as her first port of call and ran it through her fingers. 5 minutes later she grabbed her pen and poked it through the paper 'program'.  Next run through, worked perfectly. The 'program' was missing a hole.  What the boffins didn't know was that Alice had learned to read the programs. Pretty god damn cool if you ask me. 

When you keep on looking in the wrong place you'll never find a solution. Sometimes it pays to ask yourself what the simplest solution could be and do that first. 

Hope you enjoyed Alice's story and my liberal use of the word 'boffins'. :)

Who the hell are you?

What's your first answer to this question; Who are you?

This used to be the very first question of the BreakThrough Weekend and got some curious answers. I was out today doing a talk to some very lovely people and, as I came home, it popped into my head again. Who are you?

There are some typical answers to this question. Many people will answer with their job eg 'I'm a plumber' or whatever you do. But that's not who you are though, is it? That's what you do.

Some people will even answer with where they come from. But, again, that's not who you are. That's just where you come from.

Some people will tell you their ailments and illnesses eg 'I'm a sufferer'. But again that's not who you are. That's something you are feeling.

There are many other answers (I used to be able to pick out the people that had done personal development courses before because they would tell me they are 'the light of the universe' or 'a force of goodness and peace'!) but the interesting thing is what it does for us behaviourally.

People with similar identities tend to congregate. Football fans find each other don't they? People with similar music taste go to the same clubs, business people gather at networking events, people who believe they are overweight go to slimming clubs, the list goes on. It sounds like an 'of course they do Brian, where else would they go'. Well, loads of places! But they don't. There is a comfort in being with people who share your ideals, beliefs and ultimately identity. Yet the question is whether or not the identity you gain through the things you do is Positive or not? I'll leave that to you.

All I'll say is that your job, your football team, your music, your place of birth, your house or even your current illness do not define who you are. Whatever your answer to that question is, I promise you, you are much, much more than that. And when you look inside and think about it, you'll realise just how much more you are :)

Sweet dreams

Guest Blog; What gets you out of bed in the morning?

Guest Blog Tonight: my friend and colleague Steve Burns writes tonight about getting out of bed in the morning. Enjoy :)...

Following our recent NLP Master Practitioner Course in Glasgow my fascination into how we are motivated to do the things we do was rekindled. Just how do you motivate yourself to get out of bed in the morning?

I mean, if you also have a memory foam mattress like me, you'll know just how cosy, warm and beautiful your sleeping palace can be...:-)

So how do you do it? Are you inspired & excited for the days plans, fearful & stressed that if you don't move soon then you won't have time to do what you feel you need to do? or maybe you juts kind of roll out, stumble into the shower and let the cold water do the job for you.

Of course when we zoom the camera back a bit we find a more important question at play...

In general, why do we do anything? What are you primary motivation strategies for getting things done?

Do you use the the anticipation of how good you're going to feel when you're done? Or perhaps you choose the gut wrenching fear of how bad you'll feel if you don't...Or maybe you're somewhere in between...

It's an important question when you think about it...Most of your day is taken up by 'doing stuff' so you might as well do it in a way where you get the greatest pleasure you can and the smallest amount of frustration.

I was told a story once about a foolish man and a wise man. On deciding to clean his closet for the first time in a year the foolish man opens the door, takes a look at the mass of disorganised clothes and random objects, instantly feels a pang of anxiety in the pit of his stomach but decides it's something he really should do. He proceeds to re-arrange his closet and, as he progresses through all the junk, the feeling of anxiety gets smaller and smaller until (once he has finished) the feeling has gone...

The wise man, however, had a different strategy...On opening the closet and seeing a similar scene of chaos he quickly projects himself into the future...and imagines what it's going to be like when he's finished...The time and place when the closet looks clean, organised and just the way he wants it...On feeling the good feeling this brings he starts the tidy...The closer he gets to this image the better he feels until he experiences the sense of satisfaction on completion...

Because when you get down to it there's always a way to do things that involves maximizing the pleasure and minimizing the stress...

So ask yourself the question, Why do I do what I do? Is it to mostly to avoid pain? or is it all about the pleasure? If it's the former then shifting this more towards noticing the pleasure could be one of the best things you've ever done...

Check out www.scottishcentreofnlp.com for details of where you can see Steve and I train together very soon indeed

Canny decide...

Here's a thought I had today; 

How old were you when you started making decisions for yourself?

How old were you when you stopped?

Think about it...

I'm thinking a few clients will be hearing this in the not too distant future :)

Big Plasma

Talking to a pal tonight and she said something interesting. She told me she didn't realise the Simpsons were yellow for years. My first thought about that is probably the same as yours to be honest but the reason surprised me. Up until 3 years ago she was still watching on an old black and white telly, she made the colours up. She got them wrong!

It's funny how when we're presented with an incomplete picture how we fill in the blanks and, most times, we fill the blanks with total bollocks!!

We just make it up! I mean sometimes we get it right but most times, because the only way we can fill the blanks is to use more incomplete information, we will always be slightly off.

How many colours have you made up in your head? Maybe it's time to look at some old shows through new eyes...

Izzy Wizzy lets get busy

There is a concept in psychology called 'secondary gain'. Basically it means that the person is getting some sort of benefit from the problem they are trying to get rid of. It's a big thing in addictions. Think of how many smokers you know that want to give up but keep on smoking, standing outside offices and pubs hating their habit while indulging their habit. Can I add, this is true of all the folk addicted to food and all the other things we enjoy hiding in as well!

It's fascinating to think that the problem you have been trying to get rid of is actually still their because somewhere, deep in your unconscious, the problem is meeting a need. A need you may not even know you need!!

Maybe it makes you feel wanted, or special to be the way you are? Maybe it makes you feel safe or hidden? Maybe it simply makes you feel loved and wanted, one of our most primal needs. (I'm feeling deep tonight, can you tell?

Anyway, there is a couple of simple questions you can ask to have a wee explore of your unconscious and discover your deep needs. Ready to go mind blank for a few seconds? OK, here we go;

'Who are you without your problem?'...

'What is the purpose of your problem?'...(stick with this one past the first answer, which will likely be 'nothing' or 'pain')

The great thing is that, once you find it, it tends to go away and so does your problem. I mean like 'Abracadabra' going away so it's worth exploring.

Anyway, be honest with yourself and enjoy doing mind magic.

Remember...'Abracadabra'

What the hell do you do that for?

It's day 2 of our Master Practitioner of NLP course today and I thought for the next 4 nights I'd just share a short Master Prac Thought with you. Here's today's; 

What is your purpose? What do you do it all for? 

Sometimes just having a reason, a 'something' to aim for, makes everything simply make sense, doesn't it?

So, think about that thing you do and ask yourself, what is it that it gets you that, above everything else, makes you keep on doing it. 

The answer may or may not surprise you :) 

You make me feel like dancing...

When you think about every relationship you have, romantic, family, work and all the others do you realise that, no matter how it may seem, that you have control over them all. 

I often describe relationships like a dance. Every one is a  set of steps where two people play their role, responding perfectly to whatever the other does eventually ending up in a whole range of beautifully choreographed set of trigger and response.  

Think about it. Choose a close relationship that you are part of. I guarantee there are things they do that you will always respond to in a perfectly conditioned way (whether that's positive or negative is irrelevant!). There are ways they say your name, ways they look at you, ways they walk, talk, move and you respond the same way every single ruddy time. You have been choreographed. You are part of the dance. 

The thing to realise is that a dance like this takes two people. You cannot waltz alone. And, whether you are the leader or follower, if you change your steps in this dance the simple fact is that the dance MUST change. 

One of my favourite phrases is 'it's not them, it's you'. The dance will never change if you wait for the other person to lead. It's down to you. 

So ask yourself, what's the step that takes your dance where you don't want it to go? What's that thing you do that takes the dance to that same ruddy place every ruddy time?

What would happen if you change it? What would happen if you stopped that 'step'? What would happen if you simply stopped accepting that the dance has to be danced the same way every single time. 

Make the dance the dance you want to dance....wooft, try saying that 3 times quickly!!! 

Oh crap, I've just discovered I don't exist

You know, your mind is a very, very amazing machine yet, at it's most basic level, it is nothing more than a bunch of chemicals and some electricity. I suppose that makes it even more amazing but you get what I mean!

Every thought you've ever had, every emotion you've ever felt, every sunset you've ever marvelled over, every incredible thing you've ever learned...nothing more than chemistry and electricity.

But we can go further than that. One of my favourite books is 'A short history of nearly everything' by Bill Bryson. In the book he has a short passage that basically says that if we could pick you apart atom by atom we would end up with a pile of atomic dust, none of which had ever been alive but, all the same, all of which had been you. 

So what is life? How do we create it from this atomic dust, chemical soup and ability to generate electricity?

It's when we put all these things together that magic happens.  It's when this atomic dust learns the exact chemical soup to conduct the perfect electric dance that somewhere inside it comes together into something we experience as an image. A representation of the experiences of our sensory cells translated from a cacophony of light, sound and electrical resistance. 

This is our reality. And, when we learn that we are the machine, we can have control. 

Now that I am this far into this post I've realised I've opened a can of worms bigger than one post! Woops!

So here's a wee temporary conclusion before we come back to it tomorrow - you are in charge of you. You are the machine. Put the right things in, get the right things out. So tonight and tomorrow, notice what happens if you take charge of your machine and only run pictures of what you want rather than what you don't.   

You have been put in charge of some remarkable machinery. You owe it to yourself to drive it with care and precision :)

Holding and Feeling....

Tiny Tuesday Treat: What's your next ambition? What do you want to achieve?

Take some time just now and, even if your watching telly or having your tea, just let it muse through your head. Give it detail and really consider it. Do it for as long as you can...then ask yourself -

How long did you last before you let the vision fade?

The longer you can hold your dreams as reality in your head the more likely you are to be able to do what you need to make them happen. Your responds to your dreams with emotion and emotion is the fuel for your success.

Allow yourself to feel your dreams. Never hide from your own ambition.

Your a feckin Champion, you know that?

Is there a success virus do you think? Watching the Olympics over the last 10 days or so, it seems like, for Team GB anyway, that success has become infectious. Spreading from one member of the team to the next, giving people hope, encouragement and an extra push when it matters. 

Success does that. I remember in a previous 'life' (when I had a 'proper' job!) working for one of the UKs biggest banks and financial institutions when that success was infecting the whole country. We called the infection the dot.com boom. It felt like everyone was financially invincible. Put money here, make a packet quickly, get out while the going is good. It didn't last. 

A company called LastMinute.com came along.  The news showed clips of desperate people running trying to get their applications in just before it closed, it was going to be amazing. They were all going to be rich by the next week. Sadly, LastMinute.com launched at 8am and by 10am had started to fall. It never recovered and, 12 years later, has never reached its opening share price. 

This is when people are tested. Not when success is there, but when success stops. 

It's all natural law, what goes up must come down, nothing is constant, entropy.  But it is when this happens that the truly successful set themselves apart. The strongest system, survives. The strongest genes, survive. The strongest company, survives. The strongest people, survive.

When all the success is gone amd the pushing and encouragement stops there is an important thought. Success is temporary, but so is the lack of it.  It's time for evolution not panic or fear.  

Stock markets go up and down. It's the nature of the machine. But it will survive because some people will never, ever give up. 

The Olympic glow will pass, some people will decide they will never succeed but the strongest and most committed will be back and be champions. Why? Because they will never, ever give up. 

In your life, whatever it is that is happening for you now will pass (ups or downs).  Your success or lack of it is temporary and you can either face it like a champion or this can be your LastMinute. 

Never, ever give up. Be infected and stay infected by success. 

I want to BreakThrough...

When you were young did you envisage that you would be where you are now? Did you think you would have the relationships, money, circumstances, opportunities and life that you have created for yourself?

When you think about it, everyone's has something. Something more they want to do, somewhere amazing they haven't been yet, something special they have still to achieve. So now is the time to get that something...

The BreakThrough Weekend has helped hundreds of people achieve their dreams by showing them h

ow to take control, believe in their own ability and take their attitude and focus to the next level. What could you do with your life if you knew how to? What are you capable of that you haven't done yet.

BreakThrough Weekend is a life changing 2-days. It is the beginning of many special things and you can be part of it. You will leave this course and enter a new life, a life where you are in control.

The next BreakThrough Weekend is being held in Glasgow on September 15 & 16th and is STILL only £80 for the whole weekend. You can book now. Just click here and you've made a massive step towards getting what you want Www.headstrongnlp.com/breakthrough

All that is needed just now is a small £20 deposit and you will be there. You are the most important thing in your life. You owe it to yourself to put everything you can into having the life you want.

I hope you can make it

Brian

PS cos a lot of people ask, there is no need to speak out or share anything you would rather not. The only person that needs to know why you are there is you :)

Quick Progress Update

Wee quickie: Progress, how do you know you've made it?

I meet a lot of people who tell me how stuck they are yet, when they tell me the things they have done, you find out they are amazing. One of the problems, in my opinion, is how stuck people gauge their personal progress.

So here's a wee thing; think about yourself a year ago.  Think about who you were, where your life was, what you knew and what you were doing.  Now ask yourself, how has the 'now' you progressed from the 'then' you?

Now, think about yourself three years ago and ask the same questions.

Keep going if you want to really become amazed at yourself. You ten years ago and you now are very different people I bet!

You've never stopped progressing.  Every day you become more special. You should just accept how special you are :)

Ah jaysus, I'm on fire!

When was the last time you felt a spark? You know those moments when, from somewhere, something begins. It can be something sparking inside you or maybe it's a spark that jumps between you and someone else, but you know the feeling I'm talking about. Think, when was the last time you felt it?

I've wondered how cool it would be to bottle 'spark'! What would you do with it if you got it?

The interesting thing is that, scientifically speaking, sparks require polarity, positive and negative.  That's something we all accept.

So why in life do positive and negative not create sparks. In fact, they tend to repel each other and attract themselves. It contravenes every law of physics we know!   In some cases it does work, for example the spark between masculine and feminine, but what is it we have to do to create a spark within ourselves? 

I don't necessarily have the 'right' answer (although I'm intrigued to know if you have thoughts) but here's a thought. When I speak, coach and train I often feel the spark between me and the people I am talking to. It's a tangible energy that builds up between us and often starts a fire that keeps on burning long after we have done what we came to do (and can I pop in here that it burns in us all, including me).  So what if a spark isn't a spark caused by polarity, what if it is a spark of pure energy?

Given enough energy you can ignite anything but to really catch it needs two things persistence and focus. It's the life equivalent of sunshine and a magnifying glass. So here's a wee thought for you tonight, what is it that you want so much that when you think about it you feel that spark do everything it can to ignite. Think about it and feel it. But this time, just for 5 minutes, don't ignore it. Don't run from it. Don't extinguish it. Focus everything you have on it. Dream it, feel it, imagine it, live it.  Feel that spark turn into a small flame and allow it to begin burning. When it is, go to sleep and allow it to really catch overnight so that when you wake tomorrow, you're on fire.

"It only takes one tree to make a thousand matches, only takes one match to burn a thousand trees"